You won’t believe what I found on my doorstep.

On the whole I do not approve of large people with too much facial hair looming in my doorway. Even more so at 3 am.

That was the sight that greeted me this morning. I enjoy my beauty sleep, most of all to protect my looks, but also so I am fresh in the morning to write to my members. And last night, as my very understanding wife was once again traveling, this time at a conference in somewhere called Poughkeepsie, I was enjoying a night of calm sleep wearing a burgundy camisole. When I heard the chiming of the door bell, I pulled on a thick robe and went downstairs to find the henge-like form of Amanda, my wife’s appalling friend, blocking the doorway, like a couch abandoned by someone who had been trying to get it through a door that was marginally too small.

Amanda was whimpering and mewling, upset about something. Often she comes over to talk to my wife at the oddest of hours. I do my best to keep out of the way when this happens, as Amanda seeps fluids from her body prodigiously, crying for the least of reasons. Whilst I am not without sympathy, I do find myself rather at a loss. What should I do? Put my arms around her? I simply don’t have the reach.

“What on earth’s the matter,” I said to the sobbing form before me. Amanda barged her way into the house, “I simply have to see your wife.”

“I’m sorry,” I said trying to look sympathetic. “She’s in Poughkeepsie.”

“Now, don’t be like that. I know you’re not telling the truth!” Her lower lip was quivering with emotion.

“Really,” I protested. “She is. There’s a conference.”

“I don’t believe it. In fact I don’t even think there’s such a place. It sounds made up. It’s like that time you told me that The Seventh Seal was a film about seal culling. You’re beastly to me sometimes!”

“I’m sorry, but really she is away. Can I help you?”

“I hardly think you’ll understand,” said Amanda.

“Try me,” I said reluctantly.

I shall summarize the issue. Amanda works as an editor on a trade publication. From the way she talks about her writing process, you’d think she worked at The New Yorker, not Pig And Pig Farmer Monthly – The trade publication of the pig farming industry. Anyway, her magazine has recently gone through a rebranding exercise and the latest edition has had a make over (there’s a joke in there somewhere), and has a new typeface in the masthead. To cut a long story short this months publication when out with the old masthead (if you don’t know what that is, really I wouldn’t worry). This was an error that, as editor,  she should have caught, but it slipped through. The publication was already in the mail by late yesterday night, and Amanda only discovered the problem as she thumbed through the latest copy before going to sleep. She had been tearing herself up about it all night.

“I hardly think the world will stop revolving just because you used Arial, rather than Verdana as a typeface, Amanda,” I said. “There may be some stern words exchanged over the trough, around the stys of the Midwest, but I think it’s an understandable error.”

Amanda disintegrated in a heap of tears, her massive bosom heaving and barely restrained by the industrial strength bra she wears. Before meeting Amanda I had no idea Carhartt – www.carhartt.com/  – made bras. For some reason it puts me in mind of The Hoover Dam.

I calmed the distraught woman down. The only reason I mention it is that throughout the process, she had absolutely no idea that beneath my pale blue robe I was wearing the most feminine of camisoles.

That, however is not the main reason I am writing. I wanted you to be aware of my latest hypnosis file which can be found on Youtube here:https://youtu.be/XREP5gHUypA

This is a cool file if you are interested in trying out a nice new look incorporating a mini skirt. If you’ve never tried this, have a listen to the file and see how you get along. As ever I would be delighted to see some pics.

Many of you receiving this are already in my Premium Program. If you are not, be sure to think about signing up soon!

🙂

Fiona

PS. If you need a free subscription to Pig And Pig Farmer Monthly please be sure to let me know. I can hook you up!

Just 8 inches!

“Just 8 inches,” groaned Sebastian, my personal trainer.

“I’m sorry,” I replied.

“8 inches! I just needed 8 inches…”

“Well, if I had a nickel for every time…”

“No,” said Bernard. ” In the javelin competition my throw was just 8 inches short of the West Coast Games record!”

If you like the idea of dating crossdressers you’ll love this. http://fionadobson.com/the-admirers-club/

Bernard gets an injection of energy.

All I am going to say is that “Accidents happen”. Unfortunately sometimes they happen in disturbing ways.

tumblr_o7duvzEzrK1udir1co1_500This month we have a great competition for you for “Playtime with Fiona”. The competition is very simple and there are two $35 Premium Program memberships up for grabs. The first will go to the person with the best photo and funny story about crossdressing. Bernard, my photographer, will do the judging – so blame him, not me! The second of the two Premium Programs will be awarded to an entry selected at random. If you don’t pass in the photo don’t worry. We’re looking for a fun pic, and that may outweigh the glamour quality.

Be sure to send in your enties to my email – fdobson@zoho.com – before midnight on August 31st. I will see Bernard does the draw soon after that.

I have to say, Bernard is a great photographer but can be a little jumpy at times. This is a condition that was definitely not helped by a rather unfortunate situation that developed recently. Amanda, my wife’s appalling friend, had been chatting with her on the phone looking for beauty tips. For those of you who know anything about Amanda, the queen of tweed, you’ll understand this would have to be a very wide ranging conversation. Not so much a discussion about a make over, and more about complete reconstruction.

As Amanda went bleating on, my wife idly made a note on a Post It note in front of her. “Coffee Enema.” The conversation went on and on, and eventually, when it was over, the note got left on the kitchen counter.

I would have forgotten about it, except that it somehow got attached to a notebook I often use, and just stayed stuck to the back of it for a while.

Some days later I was at Bernard’s studio doing a shoot, and when we’d finished he asked me how I manage to keep my skin so clear. I was about to answer him when his phone rang and he had to take a call. As I finished dressing I jotted down a couple of things on a Post It note. I wrote, “Facial exercises, sauna and moisturize.” Then, as I was leaving, I mouthed to Bernard “3 times a day!”

I had left my notebook on his desk, and I just slaped the Post It note onto his desk and made for the door and headed back to work at the agency.

Two weeks later I was back at the studio, and Bernard was glowing with good health and bouncing about the place.

“I am loving this beauty regime,” he ranted. “It’s amazing. I’ve never felt so energized.”

“Oh,” I said as I changed into another dress for the shoot. “I am glad to be of help.”

As I stepped out of the changing room Bernard was setting the lighting up, and taking light readings. I glanced at his desk as he busied himself with his equipment. On his desk was my note, and next to it my wife’s, saying “Coffee enema.” The notes had a big red circle around them and in Bernard’s beautiful German script beside them, the words “Three times daily.”

I thought I should let sleeping dogs lie. With that much caffeine in his system I couldn’t help wondering how Bernard was still alive, never mind sleeping.

That, however, is not the main reason I am writing. Obviously I’d love to hear your stories and see your pics. The best will likely end up on my website, so please remember not to use any real names or details that might identify anyone.

Did you know you can probe my Inbox by listening to one of my Youtube videos here: https://youtu.be/Nrkq0UAf4QU

Have a great weekend.

🙂

Fiona

Playtime With Fiona 5 – Come and check out my bush!

Such goings on about the place!

Few sights can be more disturbing than Amanda, my wife’s hideous friend, in a two piece bathing suit. It was this unsettling image that greeted me when I arrived home this afternoon following a photoshoot with Bernard at the advertising agency.

Amanda was in our back garden, trying to tan her body, in much the same way that if you leave a piece of leather in the sun it becomes hardened and cracked. As I let Hannibal, my little black and brown Dachshund, out into the garden to my surprise he sprang across the grass and made a leap to bite Amanda’s bikini bottoms. As you can imagine, Amanda’s scream was so shrill you’d think someone were cutting through concrete with a rotary saw.

“Get him away! Get him away,” she screamed. Never before has so much flesh been restrained by so little fabric.

I sipped on my margarita as I watched Hannibal trying to pull the bikini from her. Then said, “Calm down,Amanda. He’s just being affectionate.”

In response Amanda started to run round the garden, arms flailing, with a dachshund hanging from her bum.

“Hannibal,” I mumbled, as I took another sip of my margarita.

“He’s gone rogue!” screamed Amanda.

The last I saw of her she was flapping away down the street, hotly pursued by Hannibal, who doubtless thought it a great game. I suspect I’ll be hearing more about this incident later.

That however, is not the main reason I am writing to you. Tonight is a warm Montreal evening, and it’s the perfect time to listen to the latest Youtube version of Playtime With Fiona. This weekends offering is a special one, and a little unusual. I know you’ll love it. This weekend is also the perfect weekend to experiment with some lighter summer shades of lipstick, a summer shade of eye shadow, and of course some new outfits for the beach or lake.

Feel free to share some pics. Don’t forget you can always submit a photo for me to share on the website here: http://fionadobson.com/your-pics/

Have a wonderful weekend.

Fiona

Patriotic Fervor.

Max, my neighbour’s son, came round this morning. He was full of patriotic fervor, as it’s Canada day. He was wearing his red and white tea shirt, and his strong muscles quivered beneath the cotton.

“Fiona,” he said excitedly, “Can I look at your beaver?”

I shifted uneasily. It’s not like Max to be quite so forward.

“Your beaver… Mother says you have a very special one!”

This seemed a little odd.

“She says you had it specially mounted,” he continued.

“She did, did she?”

“Yes, and put in a glass case.”

I suddenly remembered the revolting piece of taxidermy my wife’s equally revolting friend Amanda had left in our garage storage area. It was a beaver in a glass case.

“Of course you can, Max. You’re such good boy!”

tumblr_o5dnxhIdF51udir5qo1_1280Today, as you likely know, is Canada Day. This is the day on which Canadians celebrate the founding of our great country. Now, for those of you who are not Canadian and are hard at work – and from some of the emails I’ve been getting, I can honestly say I mean that in the most literal sense – I want you to try and share in my happiness in this day.

As you probably know I live in Montreal, that most cosmopolitan of modern cities. Here we enjoy a wonderful tradition of music, performance and fun. Most of you will know of Cirque Du Soleil – https://www.cirquedusoleil.com/ – a product of this fair city, and of the Montreal Jazz Festival. We also have a great comedy festival – and there’s a clip here you will love! If you have never heard of Dame Edna Everage then you definately need to see this!https://youtu.be/YV6Q4Q9u1pU

Not to forget my American cousins, I hope you too have a wonderful Fourth Of July. Here’s a nice video to help you celebrate! This is very funny – https://youtu.be/n2b3mkipd3U

So, on this special day join me in celebrating Canada. Think of it as embracing your inner beaver. I know you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.

Fiona