Anyone for a turkey enema?

As the new year rolls into action I have been working with Sebastian, my personal trainer, to tone and shape my body. He is a very helpful young man, I must say. 

I am determined that this year I will eat more healthily and reduce my carbon footprint in 2025. Perhaps a few less flights, and a few more vegetables are in order. Don’t you think it is important to enjoy a healthy amount of fresh fruit in your diet?

Last night it was a delightful surprise to be invited to a cocktail party held by a friend of Sebastian’s sister, Rainbow. While Rainbow is a certified carrot crunching yoga hippie, some of her yoga clients are quite unusual people. It was pleasant to be invited to one of their parties at a very exclusive address and I was interested to see how it would work out. After all, it can be exhausting having parties with Sylvester, Ali and Amanda, that often disintegrate into mayhem and occasionally someone being tied up and abandoned naked in a public park at 3 am. I suppose this is what you get for associating with people who need to have their back shaved periodically – and that’s just Amanda. How nice it would be to meet some people of quality.

By the time I had got dressed and ready I must say I really did look quite spectacular, if a little overdressed. Nonetheless, it’s nice to go over the top now and then.

Sebastian and I arrived and were shown into the ornate house and met by Carina (there’s always a Carina), Rainbow’s client. She swept up to us looking spectacular in her little black cocktail number.  She carried a tray loaded down with hors d’oeuvre.

Sebastian introduced us and our hostess beamed an expensive smile.

“Would you like a clam? Or perhaps a cocktail sausage?” she asked. “Oh, and which pronoun do you prefer, he, she or them?”

The tiny woman was almost vibrating with energy. I sensed she’d been doing a few too many yoga classes. She would likely benefit from a nice cleansing turkey enema.

I looked at Carina quizzically, trying to decide whether she was joking, and to see if her choice of hors d’oevre was somehow connected with the pronouns question. At that moment Rainbow appeared, and gave her brother a hug.

“Hey,” said Sebastian smiling at her. “You look…”

Sebastian was searching for words.

Carina chimed in cheerfully, “Earthy! That’s what I said! Rainbow you look so very ‘earthy’. I wish I was so brave,” she added.

Rainbow looked confused and replied, “Brave?”

“Yes, I mean I would never have been so brave as to make my own clothes. And wear them out,” said Carina. “Fiona, would you like a drink? I have a couple of special cocktails. Perhaps you’d like the carrot and Kale with a shot of vodka. Or maybe the Orange and langoustine gin. You should try them. I invented them myself.”

“Well, I am trying to eat and drink in a healthy way for the new year.  Perhaps the orange and langoustine gin.” I glanced around the room at the very fashionable set of guests. The ratio of chins to people was definitely on the low side. “And you’d better make it a double. But do me a favor and hold the orange.” I paused a moment and then said, “and the langoustines.”

Sebastian slipped off in search of a proper drink and headed toward what looked like a bar, followed by Carina.

As she hurried off, Rainbow turned to me looking confused and said, “Did she just say my clothes are worn out? I think I’ve been insulted, but I’m not sure.”

“Oh,” I said, “You’ve been insulted. But I wouldn’t worry about it. Let’s drink the silly cow’s gin and go and get some poutine at The Junction. They’ve got a show on at 10.”

Sebastian reappeared at that moment and said that Carina’s husband, Nigel (it had to be), had offered him the most disgusting cocktail he’d ever tasted.

“It’s one part gin, one part coca cola and a teaspoon of olive oil. He calls it an Exxon Valdez. I had it on the rocks, but it was so disgusting I spilled it into that aquarium.”

Across the room there was a very expensive looking aquarium that was looking a little the worse for having an Exxon Valdez poured into it.

Carina returned with our drinks and then went on to circulate with some of the many other guests.

“I think it’s time to bounce,” I said to Sebastian and Rainbow. Let’s go somewhere everyone knows our names.

I hope you’re getting the new year off to a wonderful start. If you’ve not already singed up to my Patreon please join me at https://www.patreon.com/fionadobsonCD

Fiona Dobson