This will seem a little self indulgent, but it’s something I feel I should share. I have observed an unusual shift in the way I feel about myself as I walk further down this transgender path.
At moments in which I’ve felt the disapproval of others I have chosen not antagonise anyone. I find rudeness is rarely a solution to anything, and if my appearance offends someone I generally choose to retreat a little.
I have contained myself a little and I fall into a more androgenous behaviour. I generally feel the desire to appease rather than confront. However, recently my perspective on the question of presentation has shifted a little.
Recently I was in a bar with a couple of friends enjoying a beer. I glanced across the bar room and noticed a trip of young men looking in my direction. I wouldn’t describe their attention as exactly hostile, but it certainly was ‘something’. But who can guess what is in someone else’s mind?
I found my immediate reaction was to look at my reflection in a nearby window. Were my forearms looking a little too masculine? Was I appearing a little too masculine?
Swiftly my thoughts shifted, though, and I found myself thinking I wanted to present in a more feminine manner. In other words I wanted to push the needle further to the feminine side of the gauge. I felt no desire to retreat into the androgynous space.
I’ve become aware that as I progress further in this transgender journey the desire has become to dress better rather than to dress in a less confrontational manner. And of course, the dressing is merely the aesthetic. An expression of who I am, rather than actually ‘who I am’.
It really comes down to my simple acceptance of myself. I am what I am.
I really don’t wish to force that on anyone. However, I am not responsible for others discomfort. They own that.
While I won’t intentionally antagonise others I do have a right to be myself.
And the three young men? Well, they certainly weren’t rude to me. Perhaps their attention wasn’t so malevolent, after all. Instead I chose to think that it was nice to be noticed.
A few moments later a drink arrived at our table courtesy of the young men across the room. It just goes to show, first impressions can be wrong.
Fiona