Category: Sebastian

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Let’s try to be accepting of others.

Ali has been here in Canada for several years now, having arrived as a refugee along with his lovely family from Syria. As I have mentioned before he was a botany professor in Damascus University prior to the war there, and is now my gardener. His knowledge of fauna and flora really is most extensive.

Arriving from a country such as Syria one does have to check some of the experiences and baggage that we bring, at the door – as it were. Jeff, who looks after immigration at our local airport, says that most immigrants are all too ready to let go of the past and look forward to their new life in Canada. And many, like Ali, bring some wonderful talents to our communities, regardless of what they may have done in the past. Like many of us, Ali does not talk much about his former life. I imagine it could be quite dark but have had few glimpses of what it may have entailed. It’s really none of my business.

Jeff takes great pride in telling me that he checks the passports of all immigrants arriving at the airport (other than when he’s on his lunch break or picking up his kids from school). He says that Canada accepts the poor, the disadvantaged and the impotent. He then rather sheepishly adds that unfortunately, while the poor and disadvantaged regularly show up, unfortunately the impotent couldn’t come.

Ali’s language skills, however, appear to still require some polish. As I sat drinking my morning tea in my kitchen Ali joined me and flicked through the local paper that had just been delivered.  I had just finished my daily yoga workout and was still in my pink leggings and powder blue sports bra, that’s so good for working out.

He took his tea black and was quite absorbed in the paper.

“It says here,” he said at length, ”that the city is going to have a ‘pilot racoon cull’.”

“It’s about time,” I said, knowing how mischievous the racoon population of Huckleberry Close can be. “They’re too clever by half.”

Ali frowned as he read the article.

“It’s just that you wouldn’t think they could do that,” he replied.

“What do you mean?” I said sensing something amiss.

Sipping his tea Ali continued reading without looking up and turned the page.  “You’d think they’d fail the eye test.  I did.”

I sometimes wonder about Ali and his command of English. It is, however, better than my command of his obscure dialect of Arabic. I’d given up my attempts to learn his language after failing to master such a simple phrase as “Is it safe to drink the water in this hospital?”

We all of us have our own particular perspective that brings a bit of ourselves to all we observe. As a crossdressing non-binary person, when I see a Zebra I do not take offence at the black and white nature of the creature. Ali, on the other hand, sees a majestic beast of the African plains while Sebastian sees a walking barcode. He then goes on to pretend to scan it in much the same way as the checkout girl in the corner store, and adds, “At least it’s easy to keep track of them.”

We all of us have our divergent ways of looking at things and each is equally correct. As trans people I think we have to learn acceptance of others with views that don’t align with our own. They, like us, are travelling their own journey. As people who are often misunderstood, it is up to us to try to understand others – the good, the bad and the ugly – with kindness and without judgement.

But that is not the main reason I’ve written to you this morning.  I’ve been adding new content to some of my programs.  They are now even better value than ever. Be sure to join if you’ve not done so already. I always do my very best for my lovely members.

😊

Fiona

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Unhand that banana!

Hi,

 

Seldom, if ever, do I like to come between friends (calm down Amber, in Colorado). Yet this morning I came down the stairs having had a refreshing shower to find Sylvester shaking Sebastian vigorously by the neck. I leaped in, interposing myself (phrasing) between them, my colorful summer swing dress swishing about me.

“Calm down, boys!” I said, as I struggled to hold them apart.

“I will not calm down!” said Sylvester, still fuming. “He said he wants me in a three way!”

I glanced at Sebastian. I’d always had my suspicions. He glared at me, Sylvester’s grip loosening.

“Sylvester, I think you should put Sebastian down. He’s gone a funny color. Besides, you might enjoy
”

“I was trying to explain three way calling,” chimed in Sebastian, as the color came back to his face. “All I said was, “would you like to join Max and I in a three way?””

 

“Well, I think I see where the confusion’s crept in,” I said. “Perhaps Max and you could help Sebastian get a little more utility from his smart phone. You know, Sylvester, I’ve seen your messages that end with that quaint little expression, “Sent from a phone that’s smarter than I am.” I think in your case it might well be true.”

Thirty minutes later Sylvester was being watched by three of us marveling as he attempted to open a Soundcloud song that had been shared over Watsapp.

“It’s quite remarkable,” I said, shaking my head. “It’s like watching a monkey try to operate a type writer.”

“Come on, Sylvester. You’ve got 999,999 more tries to go! Given enough time,” said Sebastian very softly, “some people believe that enough monkeys would type the complete works of Shakespeare.”

You could almost feel the gears inside Sylvester’s head grinding. He frowned again, and prodded the file in the Watsapp window.

“999,998.” Said Sebastian softly.

Max moved toward the fruit bowl, so kindly made by one of my members, and reached for a banana.

“Don’t,” I said to Max reproachfully.

But that’s not the main reason I’m writing to you today. I thought I’d share a rather wonderful BBC article with you. In this piece about the people of Guna Yala, their unusual lifestyle is examined. As a child develops they are allowed to move toward a more male or female orientation. While this is still essentially binary in nature there is clearly a more equal approach to gender. There is also a greater choice in how the Guna present themselves. It’s a fascinating read and I hope you enjoy it.

Don’t forget our Premium Program is growing all the time.

Have a lovely week,

🙂

Fiona

Continue reading “Unhand that banana!”

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I’ve been having a little trouble with my colon!

I’ve been having some dreadful trouble with my colon lately. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but ever since Max changed some of the settings on my computer keyboard I just keep getting a problem with it! I think he reset the layout to the French keyboard!

In the cold wintery weather we’re having I’m going to remind all my girls the importance of moisturizing your skin. Using a nice aloe cream helps, and you can find them at any pharmacy or health food store. It keeps you looking fresh and really helps your skin. You can also find some here.

I am busily chatting with a few of the suppliers who sometimes give some great discounts to my members. It’s always nice to nail down an agreement with a company that provides great clothes and makeup for my members. Be sure to check out my shopping list here.

I can see Ali working on my bush, in the garden – he’s saying something about that not being the only thing that going to get nailed. Ali’s English is very selectively intermittent.

Now, if you’re not already a member I suggest you do join up soon, whether you choose to as a Good Gurl, for just $1 a month, or one of the more extensive programs.

Oh, I have to go now
 I can see Auntie Kittie heading up the drive, I’d better hide the sherry!

Have a lovely week and be sure to let me know how you’re getting on.

Ciao.

Fiona

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I had to beat off a load of journalists!

The winter months are always fun in an advertising agency. Even more so for myself, as I have several skiing related accounts. It was this that brought me, Bernard my photographer and Sebastian, my personal trainer to the beautiful mountain village of Whistler in Beautiful British Columbia this week.

I found myself here partly to oversee the photography for a ski manufacturer’s latest high end products, and also for a resort client located in the Village. As part of the week’s activity I found myself skiing with a small group of journalists, all eager to test the manufacturers new products.

Before the main days skiing, I had the opportunity to brush up my skills a little with Bernard. There I was, in my tight ski suit, stretching and preparing.

In the comfort of my hotel room, Sebastian helped me refine my style and posture for fast downhill skiing. Sebastian can be very useful on a trip like this. You’d be surprised what he gets up to.

“That’s it,” he said, pressing his hand into the small of my back. “Lean forward and stick your bum out.”

“Now bend your legs, and flatten your back.”

I found the position strangely familiar.

“If you move your hips from side to side,” he said standing behind me, “you’ll find it feel even more fluid.” Sebastian seemed quite breathless.

“Yes,” I gasped feeling my body getting into the exercise. “It’s a very enjoyable sensation,” I said as I moved my body languidly back and forth.

Now, I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but all this stretching and preparation seemed to get Sebastian quite excited. I could swear he poked me in the back with his ski pole!

As it happened I did very well on the slopes. At the end of the week of skiing we had a race down the mountain from the peak, a very exciting informal race. I thought I might be beaten by a number of the boys, but as you might guess, try as they might – and through no small effort on my part –  I managed to beat them off and cross the finish line leading by a head.

After that it was up to the hot tub to watch the snow falling on the mountain in the twighlight.

But that’s not the main reason I’m writing. I thought I’d send you a quick reminder that with Spring just around the corner it’s time to start looking for some new Spring colors. This year putting together easy combinations of colors in underwear, makeup and outwear should be every CD’s priority. When was the last time you matched your eyeshadow to your favorite lingerie? Well, todays a great day to start planning ahead.

Got any great Spring outfit ideas? Get on the website and share them!

🙂

Fiona

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I need some new eyeshadow for my third eye!

Auntie Kittie’s niece Megan tells me her Auntie says she looks good in a kilt. What do you think?

“Push your bum back a bit,” said Sebastian, maneuvering behind me.

“Oh, Sebastian,” I said, perspiration dripping from my brow.

“That’s better,” he said pressing his hand into the small of my back.

As you probably know, Sebastian is my personal trainer. We often do yoga sessions together. Some of these yoga positions are really quite challenging. As we move into the cooler weather I do find I like to lift up the intensity of my exercise regime. And Sebastian is a treasure, I really do enjoy getting it up with him. My yoga is very important to me.

I also find that with the cooler weather I like to dress in suitably warmer clothes, and the opportunity to explore new styles is a source of great joy. I enjoy wearing a kilt, and know there are many other members, some who cannot overtly dress in femme clothing but can wear a kilt from time to time.  A kilt is a very good way to gradually introduce more androgynous clothing into your repertoire.

This week, as an exercise perhaps you can check out a few ideas for kilts online – here’s a start.

I also loved the tights below.  They have a nice tartan imprint. I do have some distant Scottish heritage and used to spend every Christmas on the Isle Of Skye. I even got lost in Dunvegan Castle once as a child. But one thing I do enjoy is watching the Highland Games events. I have always thought Bernard would be rather good at tossing the caber. I understand he comes from Essex, in England, which some of my English friends have told me is full of tossers.

Bernard tells me that it sometimes gets so cold in the north of Canada that there’s so many icicles hanging from his sporran that you’d think he brought along his own wind chimes. What a sight that must be.

Here in Canada we believe in an inclusive approach to life. This is exemplified by my good friend Justin, who – when he’s not busy running the country – is very happy to swing by and take a walk on the beach nearby. And I have to say, he doesn’t have bad legs. He’s asked me once or twice if I can spare Sebastian for a yoga class, but so far we’ve been a bit too busy and our schedules haven’t been quite aligned. Perhaps he’ll join us for a class here in Huckleberry Close as things slow down around Christmas. At least, he promised he would. We’ll see.

When not running the country Justin enjoys a little yoga, and wants to borrow Sebastian, my personal trainer.

As we approach Halloween I have a ghostly story coming out late this month which I think you might enjoy. You may want to keep an eye open for The Living Doll on http://FionaDobson.com . There’s also The Foreshore Light and The Apartment, for those of you who like the ghostly theme of Halloween, both of which are already available. If you’d like to hear Jules Sanderson reading The Foreshore Light you can do so here. Be sure to check them out when you have a moment. I think I’ve given you enough there to keep you up at night. It’s not often that you find ghostly stories suitable for crossdressers, but I do try to present a broad cross section of content for my lovely members. As ever, Clothes Maketh The Man, now with episode 50 out, is doing wonderfully. I do hope you’re enjoying it.

If you’re not already a member be sure to check out the membership options here – http://FionaDobson.com/my-programs

Have a lovely week,

😊

Fiona

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Max is teabagging Sebastian in my basement!

I arrived home on Saturday morning to a house full of guests. Max, my next door neighbours 20 year old son, had let himself in as he often does these days, Sebastian had arrived early for my yoga session, and as I walked into the kitchen, there was Sylvester clutching a twelve incher in his hand.

“That looks very meaty,” I said as Sylvester stood there looking proud.

“You know how much I love a good sub,” replied Sylvester. “Salami, tomato, olives
 this is twelve inches of perfection.

If I had a quarter for every time I’d heard that, I thought quietly to myself. Actually, I’d only have a dollar twenty five, but all the same


I slipped into a light skirt and a tee shirt, to be ready for yoga, and then asked Sylvester if he’d like to join Sebastian and I on the yoga mats. I should say that it’s rather like watching a fridge try to do a downward dog, when Sylvester does yoga. The will is there, though.

“Where on earth are Max and Sebastian,” I asked Sylvester wondering if perhaps Max would be joining us on the yoha mats.

“Max is teabagging in the basement,” said Sylvester.

“Really,” I said a little surprised.

“Yes. I had no idea Max knew so much about tea. He’s showing Sebastian how to mix a few different tea types and make a few tea bags. He has some black tea, oil of bergamot, vanilla and all sorts of things.”

“Oh,” I said, somewhat relieved. “How creative. We should see if they want to do yoga with us.”

However, that’s not the main reason I am writing to you. I’m sure that you have experienced, the same as many of us, feelings of embarrassment following dressing. Well, you’ll be pleased to know you don’t need to. In the video below I have prepared a short hypnosis for you that will help relieve those feelings. Have a listen and see how you get along.

Have a great week, and remember – “Accept yourself as you are, and create yourself as you wish.”

🙂

Fiona
 
 
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Sebastian and his ‘low hanging fruit’.

So tonight I’ll tell you about a rather unusual episode, that happened outside my house this morning. Sebastian turned up on his racing bicycle, looking rather sweaty in his spandex shorts and tight tee shirt.

As you probably know, I love cycling. I find it keeps me in shape, and gives me the perfect excuse to show off my legs, and it’s a great way to get about the city as the weather improves. It’s not unusual for Sebastian, my personal trainer, and I to get out on the bikes and rip round the local parks and cycle paths. It’s such a good work out. I always wear tight leggings that show off my legs, and a cute tee shirt.

For Sebastian, however, this is just a warm up. He likes to race and takes it all very seriously. Recently he’s regeared his cycle replaced the handlebars with a Kevlar lightweight pair. All this is very good, but as he babbled on, in my driveway, about how wonderful these modifications are, I couldn’t help noticing his spandex cycling shorts are a little tight.

“I’ve always found my get away a little slow,” he said.

“I see,” I replied, having no idea what he was on about.

“I always find I end up having to come from behind,” he went on.

“Oh,” I said, “I know exactly what you mean.”

He straddled his bike, and asked me to steady it, as he stood on the peddles, balancing and leaning over the handle bars, his bum almost in my face.

“With these modifications,” he said enthusiastically, “I’ll be able to sneak up from behind and take the low hanging fruit, even if I do have a slow start to a race. Then I can take the leaders from behind as I get further into the race.”

From where I was standing I thought Sebastian should be more concerned about his own low hanging fruit.

That, however is not the main reason I’m writing to you tonight. I thought I’d touch on a slightly more topical subject tonight. Below is a video from a performance by the great British comedian, Eddie Izzard. It touches on the subject of crossdressing and the army and a few other things you may find of interest.  Have a listen and see what you think.

I hope it lifts your spirits in these uncertain times.

😊

Fiona
Eddie Izzard: Army
Eddie talking about the army, transvestites, and the squirrel hole! Been there, done that!

Don’t forget, I’ve got many free videos for you on Youtube.
Are you reading the exciting adventures of Andy in “Clothes Maketh The Man”?

Manipulated and taken advantage of by the evil Devina, Andy finds himself compromised into dressing. You’ll never believe what follows!
If you haven’t yet dived into the extraordinary serialised feminization adventure you can find it here:

Read the story – Clothes Maketh The Man
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Have you signed up yet for my Little Black Book? Far more than just a list of crossdressers, this is a great project for anyone wanting to chat, email and connect with new friends. Join the book, email some friends and then once a week come back and reach out to new members both far away and close to home. All for just $24.95 a year, If you’re not already in the book now’s a great time to sign up!
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You won’t believe what Sebastian is covered in!

You won’t believe what Sebastian is covered in!

Hi,

Sebastian, my personal trainer, was standing in my kitchen, looking distraught. It’s not a good look for a slim man in spandex. He’d cycled over to my place for a coffee.

“The stuff’s everywhere,” he moaned. “I can’t move in my apartment, there’s so much Jiz everywhere!”

“I’m sorry?” I said, adjusting the peach colored silk robe I was wearing. I had just waxed my legs and chest and the soft silk felt magnificent on my skin.

“It’s all over the place!” He went on.

“Sebastian,” I said, “What on earth are you talking about?”

“It’s the week of the Junior and Intermediate Zumba challenge. Everyone down at the gym enters.”

“Is that a ‘thing’?” I asked.

“I get to do the Jiz thing every year, and every year it’s a nightmare. I just get overwhelmed. And this year, honestly, I think I’ve taken as much as I can take. I’ve bitten off more than I can chew and I’m practically choking on it!”

“I believe the expression is ‘gagging’.” I added, helpfully.

“All the other personal trainers down at the gym leave it to me, and every year I just get sucked in!”

“I wonder why,” I said rhetorically.

“My whole place is covered in the stuff to arrange it, costumes, posters. I even had to design them myself.” Sebastian reached into his back pack and brought out a folded-up poster.

“Oh, Let me see it,” I said trying to sound enthusiastic.

“Yes, of course.  Your friend Amanda helped me with it.”

“Amanda is my wife’s friend,” I pointed out. Because she edits a trade publication, Pig And Pig Farmer, Amanda considers herself something of a media mogul. I think you’ll agree that’s a bit of a stretch.

Sebastian unfolded the poster. An image of two young dancers, breathlessly whirling across the floor filled the page, with the headline, “It’s Jiz Time! You’ll be glad you came.”

Sebastian looked at it thoughtfully. “They wouldn’t let me put it up at Starbucks. They got quite snotty about it.”

“I wonder why,” I said.

But that’s not the main reason I’m writing to you today.  It’s going to be spring soon, so it’s time to start getting ready with some new looks for Spring. I thought I’d make a couple of suggestions, to help you along.

Spring is a time to emphasise the soft pastels, using both cosmetics and clothes that lift and brighten their surroundings. This is a great time, if you don’t dress outside of the house, to bring some more feminine colors into your selection of clothes that you’d wear day to day.

If you wear glasses, think about getting a pair that are softer and more blended to your skin. Be prepared to experiment with your daily look, softening it with colors that convey gentle forms. Hard black frames may be better replaced with a softer color, for example.

As you color your life more gently, you may be surprised to find yourself feeling more gentle. You’re going to love that. You may well find that wearing pastels and muted colors contributes to a more gentle mood, and as you look the way you know you should, you start to feel the way you should, too.

I sincerely hope you are enjoying the news I share with you. You can participate and comment even more at http://FionaDobson.com

Have a great week,

🙂

Fiona

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Beware of the balloon twister.

What a wonderful surprise I had this week when a parcel arrived on my doorstep from my friends at Glamour Boutique.  My new sandals had arrived, perfectly sized and packaged discretely.

I’m sure that like me, you’ve probably looked for a comfortable pair of sandals that look sophisticated, but are also practical. These shoes fit the bill perfectly. Having a good square heel they had the stability that gives confidence, but retained the classic lines that gives a masculine ankle a feminized appearance.

It so happened that in the evening I was out with Sebastian, taking Hannibal (my pet dachshund) for his evening walk. This has become something of an event recently. Because there’s so few performance venues open currently due to Covid it’s become quite normal to see performers in the evenings along these paths. I have to say that there’s some great performers out there putting on live shows in the open air. I took the opportunity to give the new sandals a bit of a test drive.

As you likely know Hannibal is a very chirpy little chap. Now, before you imagine I am a ditzy bimbo-like crossdresser, tottering along with a silly little dog, I should point out that Hannibal has a black studded collar with spikes, and I ‘flow’ rather than totter. Yes, years of practice.

I must say I am a little careful around some of these performers when I have Hannibal with me. Anyone who has ever owned a dachshund will be aware that you never let them near to anyone who calls themselves a balloon twister, for example. Accidents can happen, after all.

Few people realise that the dachshund is a very unusual type of dog. Most domesticated dog breeds are descendants of wild canine animals such as wolves. In the case of dachshunds the reverse is true.

Some dogs chase motorcycles, others chase cars. Hannibal has two bad habits. The first is his dislike of homeless people. I’ve found myself embarrassed a number of times as he wanders up to someone holding up a sign asking for change, stares at them for a moment and then relieves himself on their leg. I put it down to him being a homeless rescue and having had to fight for a slice of pepperoni pizza more than once in his life.

His other bad habit is to chase people in wheelchairs.  This can be most unfortunate. The flailing arms, the cries for help, and all as they try in vain to speed away from his snapping jaws. Needless to say Dachshunds are faster than wheelchairs, as many otherwise abled people locally have become painfully aware. All the same, it does often draw an interested crowd as an electric wheelchair speeds along a path way, people leaping out of the way, pursued by a streak of brown and black with vicious growls and teeth flashing in the dusk.

As we walked along the beach I got a number of admiring glances.  These shoes really do make a difference. A well designed shoe emphasises the length of the leg and shape of the foot. This pair did not disappoint. I have to say that many times I’ve found shoes online and ordered them, and they’ve not lived up to expectations. The most common of disappointments is poor sizing and uncomfortable. I know many of us who do crossdress struggle with heels. They may look lovely, but I know we’ve all wondered how the hell we’re getting home in such agony, particularly when wearing them for the first time.

These heels were not only perfectly sized, they were actually comfortable. Yes, that may seem unlikely, but they felt great. The heel was high enough (3 1/4 inches) to give me a lift, and that wonderful posture that a well conceived pair of heels enables. As it turned out it was just as well.

They’re just $42.95 at Glamour Boutique!

I thought the commotion ahead, as we walked along the path, was a street performance of Macbeth. It seemed very realistic, and the gathered onlookers were most impressed. You can imagine our surprise as we watched and gradually realised we were not watching an adaption of Shakespeare, but were witnessing a mugging. Sebastian hustled me away and we hurried back in the direction of my condo at a fast jog, not wishing to get embroiled in the excitement.

As I relaxed and kicked off my shoes at home I realised that these were not only comfortable shoes, they were also perfectly suited to running away from a mugging in the park. That’s more than can be said for most of my heels.  You can get your own pair here – https://www.glamourboutique.com/buy/shoes-hosiery/high-heels/square-heeled-sandal. Feel free to let the team at Glamour Boutique know Fiona sent you.

Have a delightful weekend.

Fiona

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Living the better life.

It’s up to us to live to a higher standard than others.

With Sebastian strutting around in his cycling shorts, and Auntie Kittie coming over to offer me some of her specially imported organic coconut sunblock, anyone would think that going outside in this glorious weather is some sort of sin. However, it is important to look after ourselves in this extraordinary heat.

It is more important than ever to moisturize – personally I like a nice aloe based moisturizer – and also to drink plenty of water. Adding to this a good quality sunblock is a wonderful idea.  I have started working early in the day and having a break by the time the day is hot, then going back to my endless labours in the early evening when the day is cooler. It’s a slightly different regime, but one I learned while living in the hottest parts of Africa. There is no point getting over heated and having headaches and the misery of sunstroke.

This stunning weather does give us the opportunity to wear some suitable clothes that are perfect for the twenty-first century crossdresser. Swimshorts, a tee shirt and a pair of sandals.  Add lipstick and a little eye makeup and you’re there.  You may not quite be Daisy Duke, but that is all a bit 1970’s anyway. I’m not sure Daisy would quite work today, sliding across the bonnet of an electric vehicle and roaring off down a country road listening to Taylor Swift. Nor can I see Sheriff Roscoe taking gender sensitivity training and a course in critical race theory.

I was discussing this with Sylvester this very morning.  I explained how today we are all more ‘woke’.

“It’s all those energy drinks,” he replied.

“What?” I answered feeling like one of us was losing their grip.

“The caffeine.”

“Oh, no,” I said. “We’re more ‘woke’, not more ‘awake’. Besides I don’t even touch those things. They’re bad for you.”

“I don’t get all this ‘woke’ stuff,” grumbled Sylvester.

“As far as I can make out, it means we’re more aware of racial issues. And gender ones. And age ones.  And some other things.”

“You mean we’re more considerate?”

“I guess,” I replied.

“That reminds me, there was something I wanted to talk to you about,” went on Sylvester.

“Go ahead,” I replied, ever my helpful self.

“Have you ever been hit on by someone in authority? I mean, I know you’re
”

“Yes,” I replied expectantly.

“You’re not like some other people,” said Sylvester awkwardly.

“You mean I have tits, wear lipstick and have a dick? Yes. I am slightly different, but that’s no one’s business but my own,” I replied enjoying Sylvester’s discomfort.

“Well, I know this is a difficult subject, but
” continued Sylvester squirming.

“Sylvester, this is me.  You can talk to me about anything.”

“I wondered if you’d ever been hit on by anyone who was your boss, or something like that.”

I must admit I was intrigued by Sylvester’s line of questioning.

“Well, there’s been one or two incidents. I’m pretty abrasive with people that I get a confrontational vibe from, though.”

“It’s just my brothers teenage daughter got hit on by her boss at the store she works at,” I wondered what you thought about it.

I was a little surprised, mostly that any employer could be so stupid.

“It’s a horrible fact, and one that many men don’t understand, but as I understand it many women do get unwanted attention at work. We sort of assume it doesn’t happen, but it does. Actually, it happens all the time. Now, having said that, most young women do learn to deal with it. I know it’s wrong that it would be that way, but many women just deal with it. However, my best advice is to get her a good lawyer, and then have her choose a nice Caribbean island to go and visit with the settlement that is likely to follow.”

“I was shocked,” said Sylvester. “It was all so ‘low level’.”

“What do you mean,” I asked.

“Well, he just approached her and asked if she’d go for a drink,” said Sylvester.

“Unfortunately that’s often the way these things do look. Somewhat harmless and low key. But then, when it’s time for her review she’ll find that the colleague that went out for that drink does a little better than she did. It’s horrible, and it’s insidious,” I said and paused. “It’s a weird thing. It’s easy to see abuse when it’s obvious. When it’s subtle it’s more difficult. And you know what? As a person who has lived much of their life ‘in trousers’ it has never happened to me, at least not as a teenager. So I can never say I’ve lived through that kind of subtle abuse.”

“But that’s good, isn’t it?” countered Sylvester.

“Well, I’m glad I’ve not been bullied like that, however subtle it may have been. But to be honest, I can’t say I’ve lived the ‘female life’ in that sense. I think this is a difficult area for many people who identify as female. The fact is I’ve been fortunate enough to have many advantages of being male. Having said that, it didn’t feel that way when I got a beating or two for being too girly for some people. My journey has different struggles. But I sympathise and I see how unfair it is on young women.”

“And this happens a lot?”

“It happens all the time, which is why we have to be so supportive of young women who are taken advantage of.  I’m fortunate enough to work at an agency where even a hint of such behaviour would have the senior person fired and escorted out of the building before their feet touched the ground. People who act like that are a liability to the company, as well as being bullies.”

“Well, it doesn’t happen in my business,” said Sylvester a little defensively.

“I should hope not,” I replied. It’s worth noting that Sylvester runs a workshop servicing vehicles and has a fairly mixed group of employees.

“And it never happened to you?” he continued.

“Oh gosh, no,” I sighed. “I thought it might when I was at summer camp once, but the camp counsellor found out I was trans and then wasn’t interested.”

“Huh,” said Sylvester with a puzzled look on his face. “I’m not quite sure what to make of that.”

“Yes,” I replied.  “That’s what he said.”

Stay hydrated and enjoy the sun, and remember, it’s not just the climate that’s changing.

😊

Fiona

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Things are warming up.

Auntie Kittie and her naughty nieces have been having an exciting spring. Get Aunties diary for just $1 a month.

I am happy to say that a few friends and I have been able to gather safely, and socially distanced, in my garden of late.  Seeing Sebastian, Sylvester and Bernard all sitting there, along with Marjory and Amanda was a very special treat after such a long time when gatherings have been a bad idea.  I am thrilled to say that we’ve finally all ben vaccinated.

Each of my friends brought an item they had prepared themselves. Sebastian whipped out his lovely sausage, which I am sure you know I just can’t get enough of! Just when I think I can’t take any more of it, he surprises me with more.

I was however a little disturbed as Sylvester leaned suggestively over toward Amanda and asked her if she’d like to try a cream horn. He really can be quite coarse, you know. It did remind me though, I did have to speak to Amanda confidentially, and make something of an apology.

This was a matter which by its very nature is unpleasant, however, when Amanda had asked me about a little problem she has I felt obliged to assist. Now, as you know, Amanda is not exactly my favorite person being my wife’s friend and former lover from university. Anyway, it seems Amanda has a problem with something politely described as ‘hyperhidrosis’. In plain English this translates through to ‘she sweats like a gross pig’, something not all together surprising as she is the editor of Pig and Pig Farmer Weekly.

Join me in the Premium Program for just $10 a month.

When she approached me confidentially to ask my advice, which as you are doubtless aware I offer without judgement or any desire to embarrass, I was happy to help the poor pig
 oops
 woman. Pointing out the fact that it may be a sign of more serious health issues, such as diabetes, infection or a thyroid issue, I suggested that the most likely cause was that she was a little out of shape and that she might think of getting more active.  Perhaps she should go out with Bernard in his sailboat, or spend more time on her bicycle than in her Prius. Or occasionally walk somewhere.

“But, Fiona,” she replied by text, during a brief exchange, “I feel so embarrassed about my sweating. If I exercise more people will see it. I have great lines of sweat on my tee shirt, and under my arms.”

I pushed the gross imagery from my mind and suggested “Perhaps an antiperspirant
”

The texts flowed to and fro with her asking for recommendations, and as it happened the advertising agency for whom I work do handle an account for a large manufacturer of healthy personal products, so I suggested their antiperspirant stick product, which I had couriered over to her directly. We’re particularly proud of our association with this company, having suggested some slight revisions to the previously ungainly shape of the product. It is now sportily shaped in an aerodynamic style.

“It’s easy to use,” I texted her. “Just remove top and push up bottom.”

Well, needless to say I did not mean her to take the instructions quite so literally. I suppose when people depend on texts it is somewhat easy to take them a little out of context. Needless to say Amanda was experiencing a degree of discomfort, and I felt I should offer my sympathy.

By the way you can read more of any character I mention by drilling down into the hotlinked references to them, if you feel so inclined. It’s a fun way to explore the strange world I navigate daily.

I’d like to suggest a very worthy charitable cause for my members today. I don’t do this often, as I know not everyone is able to help. Today however I think it important to raise awareness of many of our sisters in quite dire need in India. It’s not easy being trans at the best of times but during a pandemic things can be extremely difficult. Of course, we can’t help everyone on the planet, but helping those where the buck goes furthest is probably not a bad idea. Anyway, check out this campaign, and if it resonates I am sure your help will not be unappreciated.

Check out my programs here. I have something for everyone.

Have a lovely week and stay safe,

😊

Fiona

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Sebastian’s showing me his sausage!

Sebastian is a man who knows his way around a sausage. The recipe for his Jamaican Sausage is at the foot of this page.

I was quite shocked this morning when Sebastian appeared in my kitchen with his sausage in his hand. Sebastian, as you doubtless know, is my personal trainer.

“That thing’s enormous,” I said, as he held it out in front of me.

“I know,” he replied with a cheeky smile. “It’s Jamaican.”

Sebastian loves to make sausages and really is most adept in the kitchen. He’s always coming up with new recipes.

“What particularly makes it Jamaican,” I asked. as I turned on the grill.

“Mostly it’s the spices, but I also add a little pineapple and orange. It gives it a citrus lift.”

“That sounds delightful,” I gushed as the sausage began to sizzle and dribble a little fat under the grill. the aroma that filled my kitchen was delightful. It would only be a matter of time before Marjory and Amanda appeared from next door, in all likelihood. As you probably know it’s soon going to be the start of the competitive eating season, at which point Marjory becomes far more active.

But that’s another story.

Fiona

SEBASTIAN’S JAMAICA SAUSAGE RECIPE:

Jamaica Pork Sausage (should yield 20 sausages at six inches long)

  • 4 lbs pork shoulder diced
  • 1 lb fat back diced
  • 5 Tbs Jamaican Jerk Seasonings
  • 2 Oranges chopped
  • Half a ripe pineapple chopped
  • 40 gr coarse sea salt
  • About 10 feet of hog casings
  • 1 C ice water

Combine and mix the diced pork, fat, fruit and spices. Chill until ready to grind or set in refrigerator and chill overnight.

Run water through the casings and let soak in a small bowl of water for 30 minutes or until you’re ready to stuff them.

Using the medium holed grind plate in the mincer grind the seasoned pork and fat into a mixing bowl set in ice. I love to listen to Erasure as I do this. It just gets me in a good grinding mood.

When done grinding your meat (Ed. Phrasing), add the water and mix until it is absorbed and the pork gets “sticky.” If using a stand mixer it will take about 1 minute with the paddle attachment.

Make a small patty and cook to check the seasonings.

Note: If you have extra you can make an amazing burger from this.

Stuffing your tube (Ed. Phrasing):

Stretch and push the hog casing onto the stuffer tube attachment, leaving an inch or two hanging off the end of the tube.

Stuff the sausage keeping one hand on the end of the tube where the casing is getting stuffed and help it along if it gets stuck.

Twist the sausage into 5-6 inch links.

Enjoy with a good quality British Columbian gewurztraminer white wine such as Persius –
https://perseuswinery.com/

You can enjoy some wonderful wines from Persius. They’re fun, young and easy to match to some great summer meals. Give them a good go.

Enjoy this wonderful recipe.

Sebastian.

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Sebastian’s Yoga Wear suggestions.

I’ve always felt great support in my yoga, knowing that Sebastian is right behind me, whether I am doing a forward fold or a sun salutation. Always knowing he’s there to plunge in and make sure I don’t overdo it is a constant source of reassurance for me.

At his suggestion I am including a few of his ideas for anyone interested in enjoying yoga. Now, as you likely know, yoga isn’t just about stretching. Some people would even say that to think of it in those limited terms is quite ignorant. It is, of course, also about looking good.

To quote Maya Angelou, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you look.”

So I’m including a small selection of clothing ideas you may enjoy. As I write this I am sitting on Sebastian’s right hand and we’re creating it together. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.

Lemedy Women Padded Sports Bra. – https://amzn.to/3wkhewp

This is a great sports bra. It can easily be padded for the fuller look, but is great for a thorough workout too. It’s available in a range of great colors and will look great as you pretzel yourself into shape.

High Waisted Yoga Shorts – https://amzn.to/3uitICO

What could be better. High waisted yoga shorts feel lovely and emphasize your waist. They’re also comfortable and convenient to wear. Carrying a pair in a back pack and slipping into them before your yoga class is a simple way to look great and change swiftly into something that will be great to work out in.

Women’s Yoga Leggings – https://amzn.to/3wkiTSF

It’s important to have a nice pair of leggings, whether you’re doing yoga or just relaxing at home. They show of your legs and have a desirable slimming effect for most body shapes. These particular ones offer a high waist, which helps tummy control. Can you think of a better way of showing off your great shape?

All yoga wear should be comfortable and help you feel positive. It’s worth taking time to find clothes that you can enjoy while practicing yoga. You’ll find this enhances your practice and makes the whole experience more enjoyable.

Online Yoga Classes.

I always recommend Ekhart Yoga, run by Esther Ekhart. Whether you’re looking for a high energy work out or something more mellow, Esther is sure to provide you with exactly what you need. Here is a selection of her free youtube based classes – https://www.youtube.com/c/Ekhartyoga/videos

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Sebastian’s got trouble with a stiff one.

At last there is sunshine as we move into the early spring here in Vancouver.  I realise that we’re not all in the northern hemisphere, however the vast majority of my members have slogged through a difficult winter and will be with me when I say I am thrilled to be seeing the sun once more.

Although Covid has given many of us a tough run this winter we’re coming out of it now.  I was talking with Sebastian, my personal trainer this morning over coffee. I’d just finished a yoga session, and was wiping down my mat. I use a spray made from sandlewood. It leans it and smells lovely. I was doing a nice forward bend wiping the mat when the bottle slipped from my hand toward Sebastian, while I was kneeling down. He gave it to me from behind and then he told me his news.

Enjoy the fun of our Whatsapp Group here – https://fionadobson.com/join-our-elite-whatsapp-group/

“I’ve not been seeing many clients because of Covid,” he said. “People are reluctant to see too many others. So I took a part time job with a friend.”

“Oh,” I replied. “That sounds exciting.”

“Well, Rainbow is still up north at the lighthouse, so I figured it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.”

“Of course,” I said. “What are you doing?”

“Well, it’s a little odd. I have this friend who is an undertaker. I know, it’s a little unusual, but it’s a job that one needs to be quite sensitive in, and you know I’m quite good at that.”

I was a little taken aback. I don’t really know why I would feel so odd about it, as he’s quite right. It’s the sort of job one would hope would be done with sensitivity.

“It wasn’t a very auspicious start though,” continued Sebastian.  “ We have some very exclusive clients.  Canada’s Hokey Kokie champion recently passed on and I had to put him in the coffin. It took nearly five hours to get him in there.”

But that’s not the main reason I am writing today. Many of my members ask me about the urge to throw out their clothes now and then.  We’ve all been through it. I do explore this thoroughly in the Premium Program, but to those not yet in the program, it will help to know that this is all associated with the shame one feels around crossdressing.

To help get over this sense of shame it’s worth understanding that there really is nothing shameful in crossdressing. For some it’s a little bit of a fetish and it feels nice.  For others it’s the start of a path toward the middle of the gender spectrum where they can genuinely feel comfortable being themselves. And for others it’s the start of a journey that will ultimately lead to transitioning.  None of those situations is anything about which you need feel shame.

Society imposes shame on those who don’t conform, and not everyone understands that exploring your gender is an important part of your development as a person. As a result we do sometimes need to move gently toward our goals, and finding the place most comfortable within the gender spectrum. People eventually get used to it, and used to a more feminine you. You can also use this hypnosis file that will help.

The party simply never stops on our Whatsapp Group. If you want the support of sisters like us you can get it 24 hours a day in our private group. Come on in and enjoy the fun. You can learn more here.

We’ve got a great series going on Patreon at present. If you’d like to learn the secrets of women who love to feminize their men check it out here – https://www.patreon.com/posts/48366888

Have a wonderful week.

Fiona

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This weeks news and a quick competition.

I must say it’s been a very active week.  So many things going on. We had a rather unfortunate incident this week involving Sebastian.

You’ll remember, no doubt, that Sebastian is quite an athlete. He’s really a very good personal trainer and also loves adventure sports. However, as things have been a little tough in that department, with many people not wanting to come and work out in close proximity to others, he decided to help of his friends running their bungee jumping business.

To say things didn’t work out so well is something of an understatement. Let’s just say that you’d think the war veteran would have mentioned something about having a wooden leg.  I can’t say much more about it as there’s a law suit and a coroners investigation and all that, so I should probably not touch the subject.

In light of the inclement weather some of us have been exposed to (not Ted Cruz, of course), I have a little more of a Mediterranean theme today. It may help warm you up if you’re in the arctic blow off, or whatever they’re calling this outflow of cool air from the north.

I had a very nice morning this morning with Auntie Kittie dropping off her handwritten notes for Max to type into the system. She’s really a technological dinosaur. She joined Ali, my Syrian gardener and I in my kitchen as we were having our morning coffee.

I handed her a coffee and she said “I’m just going to sweeten it a little,” and then reached into her handbag and poured a little whiskey into it from a flask she keeps there.

“That’s not really a sweetener,” I pointed out.

“It’s not as fattening as sugar,” she pointed out.

Well, it’s a point of view, I thought.

“Perhaps you can help me,” I said. “I just can’t think what I can get for my wife. It’s her birthday coming up.”

“How old is she,” asked Ali, taking a little of the date jam and putting it on his toast.

“Well, don’t tell her I told you” I said and told him.

“I would imagine you could get a concrete mixer, two rolls of barbed wire and several sacks of fertilizer,” replied Ali.

I am never quite sure when Ali is putting it on.  He seems in many ways to have adjusted to life in Canada very well, but from time to time I wonder.

“Ali, we don’t generally trade our wives for
 a concrete mixer
 in Canada. We are, of course, open to accepting most aspects of other cultures, but that’s not one that is generally very accepted here. When I say, “I don’t know what to get for her” I am referring to ‘what present’ to get for her.” I must speak to his English teacher.

But all this is not the main reason I’m writing to you this weekend. I just wanted to point out that I have an exciting new program for wives and friends who are interested in feminizing their partners. You can find all the details HERE. (  https://fionadobson.com/how-to-feminize-your-man/  ) Perhaps you can think of someone you’d like to share this to.

I’ve also started posting profiles of some of the people you come across in these posts.  I’ve put up the first, a profile of Bernard HERE. It may help you explore a few people in the World Of Fiona Dobson. I hope you enjoy these.

This week Bernard has suggested a free give away membership to my Elite Whatsapp Group. If you win you get free entry into this great and supportive group. You’ll need to obey the guidelines, but other than that there’s no catch!

So, here’s this weeks challenge. Can you name the type of rig on the boat in the video below. The answer is a six letter word. The first to comment with the right answer will win. You can log in to comment HERE. If you’re not registered on the site just register HERE. Then just post your answer as a comment.

😊

Fiona

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Sylvester’s got his knob out and is giving it a polish.

We had a little socially distanced gathering the other day which I feel I should tell you about.  Amanda, as you likely know, is my wife’s friend and the editor of Pig And Pig Farmer Weekly, the seventh most popular pig related publication in the Midwest. As such I have found inviting her to some brainstorming sessions has helped at times. On this occasion Bernard, my photographer, and Sebastian were also present.

Poor Sebastian, he’s very worried about his sister, who you will remember made a small error and applied for the job involving a little ‘light house keeping’, and is now positioned in the far north manning a navigation outpost alone in the northern arctic. Bernard is also feeling quite disrupted. He loves to go hunting and fishing. The cold months unfortunately reduce his leisure activities substantially. So, you can see the need for a something to destress us all seemed quite pressing.

“I think we should address the elephant in the room,” said Bernard. Naturally I glanced at Amanda. He continued, “we need some direction.  Something to help us see past how difficult things are at the moment. We need some goals.”

“You are so right, Bernard,” I agreed. “It’s like my friend Justin said just the other day. Spring is coming! We should remember that!”

It’s not unusual for me to have a call from the Prime Minister’s office late in the evening, with Mr. Trudeau looking for a little advice.  He often asks me for a helping hand, and I am always happy to give him one.

Continue reading “Sylvester’s got his knob out and is giving it a polish.”
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Rainbow is trying a new position.

What a start to the New Year! Naturally I’m very excited about events in Washington.  My connections there are strong and I’ve been hearing that there will be some new advisory boards and committees coming with the Biden administration, and several new faces. I’ve even been asked to sit on several.

Just the other day Sebastian and his sister, Rainbow, came over to my place to visit. Now, I should say we’re very careful about social distancing, so we sat in the garden and Ali brought us tea. He is a treasure, you know.

As we sat there planning out 2021 Rainbow pulled out a piece of paper and started reading to me a horoscope she’d put together. Now, as you probably know, I don’t really place much store by these things, but poor old Rainbow needs all the encouragement she can get at present. The yoga studio she works at recently closed down, as a result of Covid, and sales of her personally blended Kale and ginger protein shakes have not done as well as she’d like.

She read me my horoscope for 2021, which apparently includes challenges with communication (that’s worrying), some enlightening travel and overcoming feelings of isolation. I listened and sipped my Lady Grey tea, while I twisted a lock of my hair round my finger. It all sounded a little unlikely.

I would probably have forgotten all about it, had it not been for a rather surprising development the following day. One of the jobs Rainbow applied for online contacted her asking how soon she could start. She’s looking after some old place on the north coast. Naturally she was excited, agreed to start as soon as possible, and ended up flying the following afternoon to take up her new position.

I should probably have been alerted when Sebastian told me about the job after he’d dropped her at the airport.

“It said she’d be required to look after the place and do a little light house keeping,” said Sebastian with a concerned look on his face. “And they asked her if she had any marine experience.”

“And does she?” I asked.

“Well, she has a paddle board. She likes to do that sort of thing. She’s done some yoga on it while afloat. Pretty cool, really,” he mused. “When she asked what the Covid situation was they told her she’d not need to worry too much about that.”

The rather panicked email he later received made it clear that the job was not quite as she expected. It was a rather unfortunate grammatical error, but needless to say Rainbow now realises there’s a difference between ‘light house keeping’ and ‘lighthouse keeping’. Being the only person for 300 miles off the north coast of British Columbia will give her all the solitude one person can handle. It did make me think she’d perhaps mistaken the horoscope she read for me for her own. I’m told that when the weather clears up the location is quite beautiful. The weather forecast says she should expect things to clear up a bit by the end of April. I hope she took her paddle board.

But that is not the main reason I am writing. After long discussions with Katia Thornwood and Mistress Meg we’ve decided to release something special for the women in our members lives. Yes, we have a new program designed for Women Who Feminize Their Men. This is a wonderful program for any woman wanting to feminize and sissify their partner – with or without their knowledge. Yes, you read that right.

So, if you know someone who should be sissifying someone in their life, then please steer them toward this wonderful new offering.

As we go into an inauguration week, and watch the chaos of a presidency we’d all rather forget recede slowly into the distance, don’t forget there really are brighter days ahead. We’ve all got rather used to chaos. That’s not normal and we’ll leave the craziness of the last days behind us before long.

😊

Fiona

PS. If you’re enjoying my posts be sure to sign up for my weekly email here.

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Bernard is choking on Sebastian’s sausage.

The other night Bernard was being uncharacteristically quiet at the table in the restaurant, with my friends and I enjoying the New Year celebrations. Sylvester and Ali were laughing. I remember, particularly, as I was explaining that while in Australia last year, between photoshoots, I had been diving and had been describing the various merits of the sea cucumber. Bernard had been on the trip, though since his transplant has not been doing much diving.

We were enjoying a wonderful meal at a restaurant in the heart of Montreal which served favorite dishes from around the world. Sebastian had ordered the German Sausage, and shared some of it with Bernard. The succulent meat was exquisitely prepared, and Bernard tucked into it with gusto.

That was when I noticed Bernard changing color. “Are you alright?” I asked. When there came no reply I felt a wave of panic sweep over me. It’s only a few short weeks since Bernard’s operation.

If you’re a regular reading of my material you’ll know that Amanda is not my favorite person on the planet. It was only as a favor to my wife that I invited her to join us for dinner. My wife is on one of her trips. This is a charitable one, I believe. If I remember rightly she’s feeding the hungry in Africa, or something. Maybe it’s the Africans in Hungary. It’s so hard to keep track of her. She has such a big heart. Before leaving on her mission of mercy she had made me promise to take Amanda out with us for dinner on New Years eve.

I remember very vividly, as that night I had chosen to wear a mid blue evening dress, with a bodice that laced up behind, and matching blue heels. The blue was a very particular shade, and as I watched Bernard he gradually changed color to a matching hue.

“What on earth is the matter with Bernard,” I said and looked at Sylvester.

“Search me,” answered Sylvester.

Suddenly Amanda leapt to her enormous feet, and shouted “Heimlich manoeuvre!” For a woman of disturbing proportions she certainly can move swiftly. It reminded me of one of those National Geographic TV shows, about when hippos attack.

“Don’t worry,” she said to a terrified looking Bernard, who by now was clearly choking. “I’m a trained professional.”

I took a long sip of my wine, and said to Sylvester, “This should be interesting.”

Amanda was behind Bernard, wrapping her arms around him and began squeezing. Bernard shifted to a deeper shade of blue.

“That’s it Amanda, you need to reach around him,” said Sylvester.

“And then jerk him. You’ve got the idea,” I added helpfully. Amanda seemed to be thrusting powerfully with her hips, and Bernard looked increasingly alarmed.

A moment later his head jerked back and he coughed and his throat seemed to clear. I was most impressed by the whole thing. Amanda had indeed saved the day, and Bernard had made a new friend.

What a way to go into the New Year. So, if you feel like sharing, let me know what New Years Resolutions you plan to break this year.

I sincerely hope you are enjoying the news I share with you. You can participate and comment even more at http://FionaDobson.com

🙂

Fiona
Enjoy this video about New Years resolutions!
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Did they leave a number?

Well, what can I say. It’s not been an easy week. As many of us go into an election week, I know all of us are going to be feeling a certain degree of stress. Be assured I am here for you.

I always find it helpful to listen to the Fiona Dobson playlist on Youtube to dispel stress. It really does help put a smile on my face, even when I do read about something mind bogglingly moronic that the buffoon in the White House is up to. I believe it was Mayo Angelou, that great philosopher that said, “Mask up, asshole.” That, however, is not the main reason I’m writing to you.

Several of my members have written to me this week concerned about my good friend Rainbow, the yoga teacher, who has recently found herself out of work due to the problems we face associated with Covid. I selected one email at random, from Mildred, of Colorado Springs, that I felt I might share with you. Mildred suggested that perhaps Rainbow could make use of her talents as a vegetarian, helping others improve their diet. How very thoughtful, Mildred. I will pass the suggestion on to Rainbow. Vegetarian meals can indeed be an exquisite blend of flavors and are sure to excite the taste buds and satisfy the appetite, unless you’ve ever actually tasted meat.

Fortunately Sebastian, Sylvester, Ali and the rest of the crew are all managing ok. Amanda, my wife’s good friend, has moved in with my next door neighbor Marjory, with whom she is conducting a sordid lesbian relationship. She is working from home there, and I mentioned to Sylvester (who has designs on Amanda for some inexplicable reason), that I often saw her in the conservatory beavering away. He replied “Amanda is indeed elbow deep in,” and at this point he paused meaningfully, “
work.”

What times these are. Nonetheless, I felt I would write and tell you of a rather unusual incident that took place the other night. As you may be aware Canada is large. In fact it’s huge. Earlier this week I was driving across one of our seemingly endless prairies, late at night when I saw mysterious lights in the sky, approaching at high speed. At first I thought it might be our Prime Minister, my good friend Justin Trudeau in his private plane. He has the disturbing habit of flying very low over the prairies, smiling and waving at us as he goes by. You may have heard of him, he’s the head of state in the North America that can read.

However, it was not he. I should have remembered he’s usually tucked up in bed by 9 pm with a cup of hot milk. No, this was altogether too fast to be something of this world. 

Now, I think I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, not again!” Yes, that’s right, you’ll remember I had an encounter with alien life forms a little over two years ago. And indeed once again this vessel drew level with my speeding Buick, and I felt the sensation of being lifted off the ground, as if by a giant alien hand.

Faster than you can say ‘anal probe’ I found myself in the hold of the enormous vessel. Two alien figures dressed in a silver grey fabric, some type of satin I imagine, walked out of what seemed to be a wall of light toward my car. I was a little disconcerted, as you might imagine. After all it’s not everyday that you are accosted by higher life forms. One of them tapped on the window, and as I looked at them I realised these were the very same two aliens I had met once before.

I put my mask on, and then lowered the window.

The closer of the two aliens leaned toward me and then said, “Excuse me madam, are you the owner of this vehicle?”

“You know I am. Remember, we’ve met before.”

“Just my little joke,” he said with a smile. His sense of humor had not improved in the two years since last we met.

The closer of the two aliens turned to the other and said, “I told you, we’ve seen this one before.”

They seemed to pause for a moment, consulted what looked like an Ipad, and then one shook his head in disappointment, before saying, “Well, let’s get on with it, otherwise we’ll never make the quota.”

Ever helpful I said, “Are you running out of people?”

The nearest alien nodded, and said. “It’s this Covid business. No one’s going out much these days.”

“Well, it’s not like you ask permission,” I said.

“No, but when we pick up someone off Davie Street in Vancouver, and they’ve had six pints of Alexander Keiths everyone just thinks they had a good night at The Junction. No one believes they’ve really been abducted. You know, plausible deniability and all that. But these days,” he shook his bald head, “not so many people are going out for the night. That’s why we have to hang out in the middle of nowhere.” At this point he turned to his friend and said, “I’m not even sure where we are!”

I sighed and said, “Covid.”

In agreement he nodded and sighed, “Covid.”

The senior alien, clearly impatient, then chimed in, “would you mind getting out of the car please?”

I stepped out of the car, and the two of them led me into a small examination room. Instead of the surgical table and lights that one expects in these circumstances, I was placed in a reclining chair and the first alien asked if I would be kind enough to read the letters on a lightbox directly in front of me.

“A, F, G, H,” I said and then asked, “is this it? I mean, you’re giving me an eye exam?”

“Please just read the letters,” said the one that appeared to be in charge.

“M, S, X, no, really is this it?”

The second alien cut in at this point and said, “They don’t let us use the probe any more. They said it’s not politically correct. Something about it not being ‘woke’, whatever that is.”

“Well,” I replied, “it’s not like you ask for consent, is it?”

“We didn’t get many complaints in this sector. At least not on Davie Street.”

“No,” I said. “You wouldn’t. You might get a few people disappointed that you didn’t at least leave your number after you’d finished.”

At this point the first alien smiled at me and said confidentially, “who said he didn’t,” and then winked.

Anyway, I felt I should share these events with you. Now, if you’re in the US be sure to get out and vote as soon as you can. If you don’t live in the US, let’s wish our friends’ the best for their election.

😊

Fiona