I am delighted to say that just the other day I sat with Suzi, one of my members, and we discussed how crossdressing has impacted her life. Suzi’s story is one of challenge and growth.
Suzi is a little unusual among my friends, in that she sees herself transitioning and moving toward a full-time existence as a woman. This has not been an easy path for her.
Sitting in the hot tub at the local spa, after having our nails done so beautifully, Suzi told me her story.
“Crossdressing has been a part of my life forever. I remember the feeling of tights the time I wore them and that was amazing – even if they were to large. There was one time that I dressed as a girl for a comedy/skit show with my brother and a friend from a youth group and the experience of wearing clothes that were the right size was so incredible. There was one day when I was hone alone, off sick from school, I spent the whole day as a girl in my sister’s dress and my mum’s heels – it was the first time I went outside. I was seen by a neighbour but to this day I don’t know if anything was said.
Crossdressing was shameful to me. It was my dirty secret, I was raised in a very conservative and Christian household. I remember being caught by my parents and told it was wrong and I was wrong for wanting to do it. I did the “right” thing, I promised I would stop and told myself I could. I got married, had kids. I mentioned early into the marriage that I liked it. My wife hated the idea – again I lied and promised I’d stop. Then, about 18 months ago, I told her I was still doing (after 11 years). She was devastated and we separated.
Since then I have swung from leaving everyone and becoming a full time woman to again promising I would stop. I have told friends, who at last have offered support rather than rejection, and I have been able to embrace my desire to dress. I am beginning to see what really fits for me. I do identify as transgender, I have told my doctor and I have an appointment with a specialist to access HRT next month. It’s been a journey and one that is littered with shame and porn abuse – both things I continue to deal with – but I’m not ashamed.
Sexually, I am yet to find a woman who wants to know Suzi intimately. When I need loving I have found myself veering towards guys who love seeing me dress up for them.”
Suzi has remained true to herself in what has not been an easy journey. She continues to move forward toward her desired goal, and I have every confidence she will achieve it. As a dear friend and member of My Little Black Book, Lenni, pointed out to me, after telling me of their own journey – ‘We all find our place eventually. We find our own way to make it work.’
Of course, this is a story without an ending. It’s a journey that requires commitment and bravery, and one for which no medals are handed out. As I often find myself saying, in the end we all have to learn to accept ourselves as we are, and then we can create what we desire.