Profile – Amanda

I asked Amanda for a profile pic, but she didn’t send one, so I had to use one I took on my phone.

Amanda is my wife’s friend since high school. In fact, so close were they that the pair enjoyed a short lesbian relationship. That is to say, a relationship that didn’t last very long. There were no short lesbians involved. My wife is nearly six feet tall. Personally, I find it difficult to enjoy Amanda for more than a few minutes at a time.

After studying Journalism at McGill University she went on to work for several trade magazines. She worked her way up, to give her credit. After starting at Pest and Pest Controller Monthly, she now enjoys life as the editor of Pig And Pig Farmer Weekly.  To supplement the meagre salary the pig meat industry affords her, Amanda does occasionally work as an actress doing TV commercials mostly.

Who would have thought that the nice lady buying insurance in the commercial is also the voice of Big Pig Meat – a monolithic organisation that has it’s trotters in many shadowy pies. In more recent months though, as Amanda rather indelicately put it, her ‘parts are drying up.’ Is it any wonder I find this queen of tweed so distasteful?

As a one woman fashion icon, Amanda seems rarely to appear wearing anything other than tweed. Generally in some variation of beige. Sparrow, Autumn or Country Shades, but they’re all beige by any other name. Add to this the fact that Amanda sews leather elbow patches on her jackets and you have a pretty accurate image of Amanda. She tells me the patches are a journalist thing. Personally I think it’s a woman trying to be a man thing.

These days it is more likely that you’ll see Amanda’s beige Prius outside my neighbour Marjory’s house than her own place. Amanda and Marjory are partners. This has several undesirable consequences, not least being the dreaded ‘drop in’ factor.

Perhaps I should explain further.  My wife, who is sadly absent travelling in Asia at present, has left strict instructions for me not to antagonise or offend Amanda. That means no planting a dildo in the middle of her lawn in the middle of the night, my wife specified that in her written instructions for some reason, and definitely no more crank calls. So, I am forced to be supportive and to make Amanda feel included. Urgh. Marriage is not always easy.

Of course, I’ve always been supportive of Amanda. I have to be. Even when she ended up breaking her gynecologist’s wrist. But if you want to learn more about that you’ll have to read about it here.   Poor fellow had never seen the like of it.  Amanda even worried he might sue her. But there was no need to get her tweed underwear in a knot. He got over it. And we Canadian’s are not a very litigious bunch.

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