I am writing this watching the dawn break over the medina in Marrakech, Morocco. As the sun breaks through the temperature will soon rise to over 100F. I am surrounded by the sound of birdsong and the smells of the morning.
In a moment like this I find it easy to reflect on my progress through my own transition. I am aware of the many changes, and if you read much of my writing you’ll know the least of these are the physical shifts. Perhaps the most unusual of these shifts is in the form of my dreams.
Last night I dreamed of a situation where I was being at first pursued, and then actively seduced by a woman. She was a statuesque raven-haired beauty. I couldn’t quite make it out, but I think she may have been some sort of political leader, an autocrat, from a central American country.
As this went on I realised it was moving from being mildly titillating, to something where I would doubtless have to reveal that I am ‘not like other girls’. She would have to learn that I am trans.
This would be a revelation that she might not take well. I could tell that this was a person that might well have me bundled into a black SUV and driven out of town, before having me shot. Yes, some people really don’t like that kind of surprise reveal.
As things progressed it became increasingly difficult to find a way to easily extricate myself from the situation. A remember there being a lavish party and being manoeuvred into a side room and into irrelevant one on one conversations, clearly an attempt to initiate deeper intimacy. In the meantime my efforts to avoid this, and my increasingly obvious desire to extricate myself went unheeded.
Behind it all was the sense that to simply leave would be interpreted as deeply insulting. This was clearly not the sort of person that would take that kind of rejection kindly. An insult to one’s pride is hard to forgive for some people.
The situation grew more dire as things went on and my feelings of panic heightened until I awoke in a cold sweat. I have the good fortune to have some very well grounded people around me. I discussed this dream with one such close confidant over the coffee, toast and marmalade of breakfast. She listened patiently as I described my dream and then said quite calmly, “and now you’re dreaming like a woman.”
She pointed out that most have had not only very similar dreams but also very comparable experiences. Many have been exposed to such a power play at the hands generally of men, but also powerful women. These are often accompanied by genuinely damaging consequences.
This is something that, as a man, I was aware happened, yet as a transgender woman I experience this awareness in a completely different way. Now it’s a lot more real. More threatening.
As a man I always tried to be aware of the difficulties a woman has to navigate. I am also a father to two girls. I have always tried to understand their challenges. However, living this change is something I never could have imagined.
There is so much learning on this path. Whether it’s in my dreams or in cold reality, how I walk through this world is often entirely unfamiliar. It will never be ‘Yesterday once more.’
The sun is now fully up. It’s going to be an exciting new day.