Things are warming up.

Auntie Kittie and her naughty nieces have been having an exciting spring. Get Aunties diary on Patreon for just $1 a month.

I am happy to say that a few friends and I have been able to gather safely, and socially distanced, in my garden of late.  Seeing Sebastian, Sylvester and Bernard all sitting there, along with Marjory and Amanda was a very special treat after such a long time when gatherings have been a bad idea.  I am thrilled to say that we’ve finally all ben vaccinated.

Each of my friends brought an item they had prepared themselves. Sebastian whipped out his lovely sausage, which I am sure you know I just can’t get enough of! Just when I think I can’t take any more of it, he surprises me with more.

I was however a little disturbed as Sylvester leaned suggestively over toward Amanda and asked her if she’d like to try a cream horn. He really can be quite coarse, you know. It did remind me though, I did have to speak to Amanda confidentially, and make something of an apology.

This was a matter which by its very nature is unpleasant, however, when Amanda had asked me about a little problem she has I felt obliged to assist. Now, as you know, Amanda is not exactly my favorite person being my wife’s friend and former lover from university. Anyway, it seems Amanda has a problem with something politely described as ‘hyperhidrosis’. In plain English this translates through to ‘she sweats like a gross pig’, something not all together surprising as she is the editor of Pig and Pig Farmer Weekly.

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When she approached me confidentially to ask my advice, which as you are doubtless aware I offer without judgement or any desire to embarrass, I was happy to help the poor pig… oops… woman. Pointing out the fact that it may be a sign of more serious health issues, such as diabetes, infection or a thyroid issue, I suggested that the most likely cause was that she was a little out of shape and that she might think of getting more active.  Perhaps she should go out with Bernard in his sailboat, or spend more time on her bicycle than in her Prius. Or occasionally walk somewhere.

“But, Fiona,” she replied by text, during a brief exchange, “I feel so embarrassed about my sweating. If I exercise more people will see it. I have great lines of sweat on my tee shirt, and under my arms.”

I pushed the gross imagery from my mind and suggested “Perhaps an antiperspirant…”

The texts flowed to and fro with her asking for recommendations, and as it happened the advertising agency for whom I work do handle an account for a large manufacturer of healthy personal products, so I suggested their antiperspirant stick product, which I had couriered over to her directly. We’re particularly proud of our association with this company, having suggested some slight revisions to the previously ungainly shape of the product. It is now sportily shaped in an aerodynamic style.

“It’s easy to use,” I texted her. “Just remove top and push up bottom.”

Well, needless to say I did not mean her to take the instructions quite so literally. I suppose when people depend on texts it is somewhat easy to take them a little out of context. Needless to say Amanda was experiencing a degree of discomfort, and I felt I should offer my sympathy.

By the way you can read more of any character I mention by drilling down into the hotlinked references to them, if you feel so inclined. It’s a fun way to explore the strange world I navigate daily.

I’d like to suggest a very worthy charitable cause for my members today. I don’t do this often, as I know not everyone is able to help. Today however I think it important to raise awareness of many of our sisters in quite dire need in India. It’s not easy being trans at the best of times but during a pandemic things can be extremely difficult. Of course, we can’t help everyone on the planet, but helping those where the buck goes furthest is probably not a bad idea. Anyway, check out this campaign, and if it resonates I am sure your help will not be unappreciated.

Don’t forget to join me on Patreon, even at the $1 a month level. I love the close connection I have with my lovely members, and this helps me continue to do the work I love so much.

Have a lovely week and stay safe,

😊

Fiona

Sebastian’s showing me his sausage!

Sebastian is a man who knows his way around a sausage. The recipe for his Jamaican Sausage is at the foot of this page.

I was quite shocked this morning when Sebastian appeared in my kitchen with his sausage in his hand. Sebastian, as you doubtless know, is my personal trainer.

“That thing’s enormous,” I said, as he held it out in front of me.

“I know,” he replied with a cheeky smile. “It’s Jamaican.”

Sebastian loves to make sausages and really is most adept in the kitchen. He’s always coming up with new recipes.

“What particularly makes it Jamaican,” I asked. as I turned on the grill.

“Mostly it’s the spices, but I also add a little pineapple and orange. It gives it a citrus lift.”

“That sounds delightful,” I gushed as the sausage began to sizzle and dribble a little fat under the grill. the aroma that filled my kitchen was delightful. It would only be a matter of time before Marjory and Amanda appeared from next door, in all likelihood. As you probably know it’s soon going to be the start of the competitive eating season, at which point Marjory becomes far more active.

But that’s another story.

Fiona

SEBASTIAN’S JAMAICA SAUSAGE RECIPE:

Jamaica Pork Sausage (should yield 20 sausages at six inches long)

  • 4 lbs pork shoulder diced
  • 1 lb fat back diced
  • 5 Tbs Jamaican Jerk Seasonings
  • 2 Oranges chopped
  • Half a ripe pineapple chopped
  • 40 gr coarse sea salt
  • About 10 feet of hog casings
  • 1 C ice water

Combine and mix the diced pork, fat, fruit and spices. Chill until ready to grind or set in refrigerator and chill overnight.

Run water through the casings and let soak in a small bowl of water for 30 minutes or until you’re ready to stuff them.

Using the medium holed grind plate in the mincer grind the seasoned pork and fat into a mixing bowl set in ice. I love to listen to Erasure as I do this. It just gets me in a good grinding mood.

When done grinding your meat (Ed. Phrasing), add the water and mix until it is absorbed and the pork gets “sticky.” If using a stand mixer it will take about 1 minute with the paddle attachment.

Make a small patty and cook to check the seasonings.

Note: If you have extra you can make an amazing burger from this.

Stuffing your tube (Ed. Phrasing):

Stretch and push the hog casing onto the stuffer tube attachment, leaving an inch or two hanging off the end of the tube.

Stuff the sausage keeping one hand on the end of the tube where the casing is getting stuffed and help it along if it gets stuck.

Twist the sausage into 5-6 inch links.

Enjoy with a good quality British Columbian gewurztraminer white wine such as Persius –
https://perseuswinery.com/

You can enjoy some wonderful wines from Persius. They’re fun, young and easy to match to some great summer meals. Give them a good go.

Enjoy this wonderful recipe.

Sebastian.

Spring is in the air.

Bernard is full of the joys of spring at this time of year. He’s doing all sorts of maintenance on his little boat, cleaning his fishing gear until it’s spotlessly clean, and also polishing up his weapon.  He’s a very keen outdoor sportsman.

We’ve had many good times in the past when we’ve travelled together for the advertising agency, although there’s been no travel happening for a while.  As I see him stripping his gun I am reminded of a lovely trip we had in the highlands of Scotland some years ago. We’d been invited to shoot grouse on the moors. The beauty of the landscape in that fresh northern light is quite breathtaking. Northern Scotland must be one of the most evocative places on earth, with it’s wild wind swept landscape, lightly brushed with heather.

We’d walked for miles over the moor and seen ptarmigan and quail at a distance, but it looked like Bernard was going to come back empty handed.  I was simply enjoying a lovely day out in the fresh air, and then Bernard got terribly excited, and the next thing I knew he shot a load over my head. It was quite exhilarating. Perhaps you can imagine.

At work I have been surprised by the emergence of a number of committee’s within the advertising agency. We have one for racial awareness, one for staff empowerment and of course one for gender issues, and others being formed all the time. The job of these task forces is to make sure staff are aware of issues and to maintain a high standard of awareness of contentious issues, for both our clients and our staff. I must say, I think it’s high time awareness of some of these issues was brought to the fore. It’s a pleasure to see several new faces on these committees, and I’ve been asked to sit on several of them already.

Sebastian was in my kitchen this morning drinking a freshly squeezed orange juice as I stretched in preparation for our yoga class. I must say I do love the yoga wear.  Nice leggings and a sports bra are a wonderful look for any gurl.

“I am getting a few more clients,” said Sebastian. “I think people want to get in shape for the summer.”

“Well, now that we’re getting past this damned virus,” I replied, “I’m sure more people are focusing on their health. It’s a precious gift and needs to be nurtured.”

“Speaking of nurturing,” said Sebastian, “I’ve started a self help group for people who do self-harm.”

“Sebastian, that’s so thoughtful of you. What on earth made you think of such a thing?”

“Well, Rainbow struggled with it,” He told me.  “So, I figured I’d create a support group. I have to say it’s a hard slog though.  Like banging your head against a brick wall.”

“How very public spirited of you,” I replied.

I have included a post on my website about Sebastian’s suggestions for yoga wear for my members. He’s been very helpful and put some great ideas up there. You can find it HERE.

Don’t forget, you can join my Patreon for as little as $1 a month HERE. It’s the most fun dollar you’ll spend this month, I guarantee it!

Have a lovely week, and be sure to let me know how you’re getting along.

🙂

Fiona

  • http://FionaDobson.com

Sebastian’s Yoga Wear suggestions.

I’ve always felt great support in my yoga, knowing that Sebastian is right behind me, whether I am doing a forward fold or a sun salutation. Always knowing he’s there to plunge in and make sure I don’t overdo it is a constant source of reassurance for me.

At his suggestion I am including a few of his ideas for anyone interested in enjoying yoga. Now, as you likely know, yoga isn’t just about stretching. Some people would even say that to think of it in those limited terms is quite ignorant. It is, of course, also about looking good.

To quote Maya Angelou, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you look.”

So I’m including a small selection of clothing ideas you may enjoy. As I write this I am sitting on Sebastian’s right hand and we’re creating it together. I’m sure you’ll enjoy it as much as I do.

Lemedy Women Padded Sports Bra. – https://amzn.to/3wkhewp

This is a great sports bra. It can easily be padded for the fuller look, but is great for a thorough workout too. It’s available in a range of great colors and will look great as you pretzel yourself into shape.

High Waisted Yoga Shorts – https://amzn.to/3uitICO

What could be better. High waisted yoga shorts feel lovely and emphasize your waist. They’re also comfortable and convenient to wear. Carrying a pair in a back pack and slipping into them before your yoga class is a simple way to look great and change swiftly into something that will be great to work out in.

Women’s Yoga Leggings – https://amzn.to/3wkiTSF

It’s important to have a nice pair of leggings, whether you’re doing yoga or just relaxing at home. They show of your legs and have a desirable slimming effect for most body shapes. These particular ones offer a high waist, which helps tummy control. Can you think of a better way of showing off your great shape?

All yoga wear should be comfortable and help you feel positive. It’s worth taking time to find clothes that you can enjoy while practicing yoga. You’ll find this enhances your practice and makes the whole experience more enjoyable.

Online Yoga Classes.

I always recommend Ekhart Yoga, run by Esther Ekhart. Whether you’re looking for a high energy work out or something more mellow, Esther is sure to provide you with exactly what you need. Here is a selection of her free youtube based classes – https://www.youtube.com/c/Ekhartyoga/videos

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Sebastian’s got trouble with a stiff one.

At last there is sunshine as we move into the early spring here in Vancouver.  I realise that we’re not all in the northern hemisphere, however the vast majority of my members have slogged through a difficult winter and will be with me when I say I am thrilled to be seeing the sun once more.

Although Covid has given many of us a tough run this winter we’re coming out of it now.  I was talking with Sebastian, my personal trainer this morning over coffee. I’d just finished a yoga session, and was wiping down my mat. I use a spray made from sandlewood. It leans it and smells lovely. I was doing a nice forward bend wiping the mat when the bottle slipped from my hand toward Sebastian, while I was kneeling down. He gave it to me from behind and then he told me his news.

Enjoy the fun of our Whatsapp Group here – https://fionadobson.com/join-our-elite-whatsapp-group/

“I’ve not been seeing many clients because of Covid,” he said. “People are reluctant to see too many others. So I took a part time job with a friend.”

“Oh,” I replied. “That sounds exciting.”

“Well, Rainbow is still up north at the lighthouse, so I figured it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.”

“Of course,” I said. “What are you doing?”

“Well, it’s a little odd. I have this friend who is an undertaker. I know, it’s a little unusual, but it’s a job that one needs to be quite sensitive in, and you know I’m quite good at that.”

I was a little taken aback. I don’t really know why I would feel so odd about it, as he’s quite right. It’s the sort of job one would hope would be done with sensitivity.

“It wasn’t a very auspicious start though,” continued Sebastian.  “ We have some very exclusive clients.  Canada’s Hokey Kokie champion recently passed on and I had to put him in the coffin. It took nearly five hours to get him in there.”

But that’s not the main reason I am writing today. Many of my members ask me about the urge to throw out their clothes now and then.  We’ve all been through it. I do explore this thoroughly in the Premium Program, but to those not yet in the program, it will help to know that this is all associated with the shame one feels around crossdressing.

To help get over this sense of shame it’s worth understanding that there really is nothing shameful in crossdressing. For some it’s a little bit of a fetish and it feels nice.  For others it’s the start of a path toward the middle of the gender spectrum where they can genuinely feel comfortable being themselves. And for others it’s the start of a journey that will ultimately lead to transitioning.  None of those situations is anything about which you need feel shame.

Society imposes shame on those who don’t conform, and not everyone understands that exploring your gender is an important part of your development as a person. As a result we do sometimes need to move gently toward our goals, and finding the place most comfortable within the gender spectrum. People eventually get used to it, and used to a more feminine you. You can also use this hypnosis file that will help.

The party simply never stops on our Whatsapp Group. If you want the support of sisters like us you can get it 24 hours a day in our private group. Come on in and enjoy the fun. You can learn more here.

We’ve got a great series going on Patreon at present. If you’d like to learn the secrets of women who love to feminize their men check it out here – https://www.patreon.com/posts/48366888

Have a wonderful week.

Fiona

Sylvester’s got his knob out and is giving it a polish.

We had a little socially distanced gathering the other day which I feel I should tell you about.  Amanda, as you likely know, is my wife’s friend and the editor of Pig And Pig Farmer Weekly, the seventh most popular pig related publication in the Midwest. As such I have found inviting her to some brainstorming sessions has helped at times. On this occasion Bernard, my photographer, and Sebastian were also present.

Poor Sebastian, he’s very worried about his sister, who you will remember made a small error and applied for the job involving a little ‘light house keeping’, and is now positioned in the far north manning a navigation outpost alone in the northern arctic. Bernard is also feeling quite disrupted. He loves to go hunting and fishing. The cold months unfortunately reduce his leisure activities substantially. So, you can see the need for a something to destress us all seemed quite pressing.

“I think we should address the elephant in the room,” said Bernard. Naturally I glanced at Amanda. He continued, “we need some direction.  Something to help us see past how difficult things are at the moment. We need some goals.”

“You are so right, Bernard,” I agreed. “It’s like my friend Justin said just the other day. Spring is coming! We should remember that!”

It’s not unusual for me to have a call from the Prime Minister’s office late in the evening, with Mr. Trudeau looking for a little advice.  He often asks me for a helping hand, and I am always happy to give him one.

Continue reading “Sylvester’s got his knob out and is giving it a polish.”

Rainbow is trying a new position.

What a start to the New Year! Naturally I’m very excited about events in Washington.  My connections there are strong and I’ve been hearing that there will be some new advisory boards and committees coming with the Biden administration, and several new faces. I’ve even been asked to sit on several.

Just the other day Sebastian and his sister, Rainbow, came over to my place to visit. Now, I should say we’re very careful about social distancing, so we sat in the garden and Ali brought us tea. He is a treasure, you know.

As we sat there planning out 2021 Rainbow pulled out a piece of paper and started reading to me a horoscope she’d put together. Now, as you probably know, I don’t really place much store by these things, but poor old Rainbow needs all the encouragement she can get at present. The yoga studio she works at recently closed down, as a result of Covid, and sales of her personally blended Kale and ginger protein shakes have not done as well as she’d like.

She read me my horoscope for 2021, which apparently includes challenges with communication (that’s worrying), some enlightening travel and overcoming feelings of isolation. I listened and sipped my Lady Grey tea, while I twisted a lock of my hair round my finger. It all sounded a little unlikely.

I would probably have forgotten all about it, had it not been for a rather surprising development the following day. One of the jobs Rainbow applied for online contacted her asking how soon she could start. She’s looking after some old place on the north coast. Naturally she was excited, agreed to start as soon as possible, and ended up flying the following afternoon to take up her new position.

I should probably have been alerted when Sebastian told me about the job after he’d dropped her at the airport.

“It said she’d be required to look after the place and do a little light house keeping,” said Sebastian with a concerned look on his face. “And they asked her if she had any marine experience.”

“And does she?” I asked.

“Well, she has a paddle board. She likes to do that sort of thing. She’s done some yoga on it while afloat. Pretty cool, really,” he mused. “When she asked what the Covid situation was they told her she’d not need to worry too much about that.”

The rather panicked email he later received made it clear that the job was not quite as she expected. It was a rather unfortunate grammatical error, but needless to say Rainbow now realises there’s a difference between ‘light house keeping’ and ‘lighthouse keeping’. Being the only person for 300 miles off the north coast of British Columbia will give her all the solitude one person can handle. It did make me think she’d perhaps mistaken the horoscope she read for me for her own. I’m told that when the weather clears up the location is quite beautiful. The weather forecast says she should expect things to clear up a bit by the end of April. I hope she took her paddle board.

But that is not the main reason I am writing. After long discussions with Katia Thornwood and Mistress Meg we’ve decided to release something special for the women in our members lives. Yes, we have a new program designed for Women Who Feminize Their Men. This is a wonderful program for any woman wanting to feminize and sissify their partner – with or without their knowledge. Yes, you read that right.

So, if you know someone who should be sissifying someone in their life, then please steer them toward this wonderful new offering. I am also including it in my Patreon and calling it the Nightingale Tier.

There’s a great new story on my Patreon called “My husband died not knowing I learned his secret free, which you can access here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/46122599

As we go into an inauguration week, and watch the chaos of a presidency we’d all rather forget recede slowly into the distance, don’t forget there really are brighter days ahead. We’ve all got rather used to chaos. That’s not normal and we’ll leave the craziness of the last days behind us before long.

😊

Fiona

PS. If you’re enjoying my posts be sure to sign up for my weekly email here.

Bernard is choking on Sebastian’s sausage.

The other night Bernard was being uncharacteristically quiet at the table in the restaurant, with my friends and I enjoying the New Year celebrations. Sylvester and Ali were laughing. I remember, particularly, as I was explaining that while in Australia last year, between photoshoots, I had been diving and had been describing the various merits of the sea cucumber. Bernard had been on the trip, though since his transplant has not been doing much diving.

We were enjoying a wonderful meal at a restaurant in the heart of Montreal which served favorite dishes from around the world. Sebastian had ordered the German Sausage, and shared some of it with Bernard. The succulent meat was exquisitely prepared, and Bernard tucked into it with gusto.

That was when I noticed Bernard changing color. “Are you alright?” I asked. When there came no reply I felt a wave of panic sweep over me. It’s only a few short weeks since Bernard’s operation.

If you’re a regular reading of my material you’ll know that Amanda is not my favorite person on the planet. It was only as a favor to my wife that I invited her to join us for dinner. My wife is on one of her trips. This is a charitable one, I believe. If I remember rightly she’s feeding the hungry in Africa, or something. Maybe it’s the Africans in Hungary. It’s so hard to keep track of her. She has such a big heart. Before leaving on her mission of mercy she had made me promise to take Amanda out with us for dinner on New Years eve.

I remember very vividly, as that night I had chosen to wear a mid blue evening dress, with a bodice that laced up behind, and matching blue heels. The blue was a very particular shade, and as I watched Bernard he gradually changed color to a matching hue.

“What on earth is the matter with Bernard,” I said and looked at Sylvester.

“Search me,” answered Sylvester.

Suddenly Amanda leapt to her enormous feet, and shouted “Heimlich manoeuvre!” For a woman of disturbing proportions she certainly can move swiftly. It reminded me of one of those National Geographic TV shows, about when hippos attack.

“Don’t worry,” she said to a terrified looking Bernard, who by now was clearly choking. “I’m a trained professional.”

I took a long sip of my wine, and said to Sylvester, “This should be interesting.”

Amanda was behind Bernard, wrapping her arms around him and began squeezing. Bernard shifted to a deeper shade of blue.

“That’s it Amanda, you need to reach around him,” said Sylvester.

“And then jerk him. You’ve got the idea,” I added helpfully. Amanda seemed to be thrusting powerfully with her hips, and Bernard looked increasingly alarmed.

A moment later his head jerked back and he coughed and his throat seemed to clear. I was most impressed by the whole thing. Amanda had indeed saved the day, and Bernard had made a new friend.

What a way to go into the New Year. So, if you feel like sharing, let me know what New Years Resolutions you plan to break this year.

I sincerely hope you are enjoying the news I share with you. You can participate and comment even more at http://FionaDobson.com

🙂

Fiona

Enjoy this video about New Years resolutions!

Did they leave a number?

Well, what can I say. It’s not been an easy week. As many of us go into an election week, I know all of us are going to be feeling a certain degree of stress. Be assured I am here for you.

I always find it helpful to listen to the Fiona Dobson playlist on Youtube to dispel stress. It really does help put a smile on my face, even when I do read about something mind bogglingly moronic that the buffoon in the White House is up to. I believe it was Mayo Angelou, that great philosopher that said, “Mask up, asshole.” That, however, is not the main reason I’m writing to you.

Several of my members have written to me this week concerned about my good friend Rainbow, the yoga teacher, who has recently found herself out of work due to the problems we face associated with Covid. I selected one email at random, from Mildred, of Colorado Springs, that I felt I might share with you. Mildred suggested that perhaps Rainbow could make use of her talents as a vegetarian, helping others improve their diet. How very thoughtful, Mildred. I will pass the suggestion on to Rainbow. Vegetarian meals can indeed be an exquisite blend of flavors and are sure to excite the taste buds and satisfy the appetite, unless you’ve ever actually tasted meat.

Fortunately SebastianSylvesterAli and the rest of the crew are all managing ok. Amanda, my wife’s good friend, has moved in with my next door neighbor Marjory, with whom she is conducting a sordid lesbian relationship. She is working from home there, and I mentioned to Sylvester (who has designs on Amanda for some inexplicable reason), that I often saw her in the conservatory beavering away. He replied “Amanda is indeed elbow deep in,” and at this point he paused meaningfully, “…work.”

What times these are. Nonetheless, I felt I would write and tell you of a rather unusual incident that took place the other night. As you may be aware Canada is large. In fact it’s huge. Earlier this week I was driving across one of our seemingly endless prairies, late at night when I saw mysterious lights in the sky, approaching at high speed. At first I thought it might be our Prime Minister, my good friend Justin Trudeau in his private plane. He has the disturbing habit of flying very low over the prairies, smiling and waving at us as he goes by. You may have heard of him, he’s the head of state in the North America that can read.

However, it was not he. I should have remembered he’s usually tucked up in bed by 9 pm with a cup of hot milk. No, this was altogether too fast to be something of this world. 

Now, I think I know what you’re thinking. “Oh, not again!” Yes, that’s right, you’ll remember I had an encounter with alien life forms a little over two years ago. And indeed once again this vessel drew level with my speeding Buick, and I felt the sensation of being lifted off the ground, as if by a giant alien hand.

Faster than you can say ‘anal probe’ I found myself in the hold of the enormous vessel. Two alien figures dressed in a silver grey fabric, some type of satin I imagine, walked out of what seemed to be a wall of light toward my car. I was a little disconcerted, as you might imagine. After all it’s not everyday that you are accosted by higher life forms. One of them tapped on the window, and as I looked at them I realised these were the very same two aliens I had met once before.

I put my mask on, and then lowered the window.

The closer of the two aliens leaned toward me and then said, “Excuse me madam, are you the owner of this vehicle?”

“You know I am. Remember, we’ve met before.”

“Just my little joke,” he said with a smile. His sense of humor had not improved in the two years since last we met.

The closer of the two aliens turned to the other and said, “I told you, we’ve seen this one before.”

They seemed to pause for a moment, consulted what looked like an Ipad, and then one shook his head in disappointment, before saying, “Well, let’s get on with it, otherwise we’ll never make the quota.”

Ever helpful I said, “Are you running out of people?”

The nearest alien nodded, and said. “It’s this Covid business. No one’s going out much these days.”

“Well, it’s not like you ask permission,” I said.

“No, but when we pick up someone off Davie Street in Vancouver, and they’ve had six pints of Alexander Keiths everyone just thinks they had a good night at The Junction. No one believes they’ve really been abducted. You know, plausible deniability and all that. But these days,” he shook his bald head, “not so many people are going out for the night. That’s why we have to hang out in the middle of nowhere.” At this point he turned to his friend and said, “I’m not even sure where we are!”

I sighed and said, “Covid.”

In agreement he nodded and sighed, “Covid.”

The senior alien, clearly impatient, then chimed in, “would you mind getting out of the car please?”

I stepped out of the car, and the two of them led me into a small examination room. Instead of the surgical table and lights that one expects in these circumstances, I was placed in a reclining chair and the first alien asked if I would be kind enough to read the letters on a lightbox directly in front of me.

“A, F, G, H,” I said and then asked, “is this it? I mean, you’re giving me an eye exam?”

“Please just read the letters,” said the one that appeared to be in charge.

“M, S, X, no, really is this it?”

The second alien cut in at this point and said, “They don’t let us use the probe any more. They said it’s not politically correct. Something about it not being ‘woke’, whatever that is.”

“Well,” I replied, “it’s not like you ask for consent, is it?”

“We didn’t get many complaints in this sector. At least not on Davie Street.”

“No,” I said. “You wouldn’t. You might get a few people disappointed that you didn’t at least leave your number after you’d finished.”

At this point the first alien smiled at me and said confidentially, “who said he didn’t,” and then winked.

Anyway, I felt I should share these events with you. Now, if you’re in the US be sure to get out and vote as soon as you can. If you don’t live in the US, let’s wish our friends’ the best for their election.

😊

Fiona

I am surrounded by idiots.

I sat in my garden this afternoon, socially distanced from my two expectant looking guests seated nearby, beside the gentle shape of a bouganvillia, off-setting the colours of the smokey pink and soft grey of my summer dress. Sylvester and Rainbow, Sebastian’s sister, looked on hopefully.

“So, let me get this straight,” I said. “You’re asking me – and Sylvester I think I am quoting you correctly – which is better:

                A: Sylvester’s idea, a facial scrub which is made by simply driving along behind a gravel truck while sticking your head out of the car window.”

At this point Sylvester was nodding and grinning like a chimpanzee that has just found the key to a kitchen cupboard full of banannas.

I continued, “Or B: Rainbow’s idea, a facial scrub made of vanilla extract, cream, vegetable oil, oatmeal and aloe, which is then smoothed on the skin and allowed to dry, before driving along behind a gravel truck while sticking your head out of the car window.”

Rainbow smiled at me vacantly and nodded.

Sometimes, I feel like I am surrounded by idiots. It may seem a harsh thing to say, but it’s true. I considered the question for a moment.

“Obviously,” I said at length, “the answer is ‘B’.”

Sylvester looked crestfallen. Before he could ask why I continued.

“The answer is ‘B’ because you could charge more for it and therefore make more profit. This might mean that in time you could afford to hire the team of psychiatrists that would provide the help that you both so obviously need.”

In these trying times of Covid-19 and failing businesses I am finding many of my friends are searching for new business ideas and as such my marketing expertise is in great demand. Perhaps you, too are surrounded by similar challenges.  If you are, you have my sympathy. Such is the lot of those of us who serve.

Be sure to join my Patreon if you’d like to lend a hand to myself and the sadly challenged people with which I surround myself.

Have lovely weekend, and stay safe.

Fiona.

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The Grin And Bare It Nudist Colony.

I was relaxing in my garden this afternoon when I got a distraught call from Rainbow, Sebastian’s sister, asking to come round immediately. Of course, I said yes, always supportive of my friends. Besides, Sylvester had just left, having got my asphalt. He’s doing some work resurfacing the driveway.

“You’d better drop by, now I’ve got my asphalt,” I said down the phone.

Rainbow has just got back from a few days at what she calls a ‘retreat’. She does this once in a while, escaping to the Grin And Bare It Nudist Colony on a nearby island, in the southern Gulf Islands in British Columbia. It’s a rather strange sort of escape, involving naturists engaged in yoga and improv comedy. I suspect there’s a certain number of them that also become engaged in open sea swimming in an attempt to escape, or at least they would be if I found myself confined on an island in such circumstances.

One of the regulars at this particular location is a man who has turned to unusual street performance for his living.  Rainbow, who sometimes teaches yoga on the island, has been encouraging this gentleman, assuring him that street performance could be a great way to gain a small income for the rest of his life.

Continue reading “The Grin And Bare It Nudist Colony.”

Sylvester is checking out Amanda’s cans.

What a strange day it’s turning out to be. Our members are all out doing wonderful things. Julia in Holland, one of my favorite members in our Whatsapp Group, has been out and bought some beautiful summery things, and nearby I know Lenni is having a garage sale.

Julia has been doing so well. She, like many of my members in the Whatsapp Group, shares some of her experiences and activities with other members of the group. It makes it a very supportive community.

This afternoon a few friends will be stopping by as the isolation period begins to lift. Lockdown here in Canada has been well observed and the results mean we are now able to begin very gradually restarting 2020. I, like most of my friends, feel that having a glass of wine in the garden with one or two friends is much more comfortable than going out to a restaurant, for the time being at least. It also gives us the chance to have a bit of a barbecue in the garden. Sebastian is hoping to treat us to his sausage later on. I am wearing a denim skirt, tee shirt and a lovely floral mask, and keeping things very simple.

Sylvester and Sebastian arrived a little while ago astride his enormous chopper.

Taking off his helmet he said excitedly, “Amanda’s going to drop by later. She wants me to check out her cans.”

“I’m sorry?” I replied a little surprised.

“Her headphones,” he said. “She says they crackle. She wants me to see if I can sort them out. It’s probably just a loose connection. They were very expensive apparently. Mind you that was in 1993. Still, I said I’d check them out.”

“Oh,” I said doubtfully. “I see.”

I have told Sylvester on more than one occasion that Amanda is in a relationship with my neighbour, Marjory the competitive lesbian eater. Or should that be ‘the competitive eating lesbian’. Well, as I’ve mentioned before Marjory is apparently quite a big noise in the world of competitive eating, although like so many sporting disciplines they are experiencing something of a famine this season.

“You should be a little careful,” I said to Sylvester. “Marjory and Amanda are together, as inexplicable as it may be. I’m not sure that you should be hunting in that particular briar patch. You might get pricked.”

“I don’t mean to be pedantic,” said Sebastian cutting in. “But, I’m not sure you can hunt in a brier patch.”

In the interests of contextual accuracy I rephrased my doubts to Sylvester, saying “I’m really not sure you want that bird in your hand. Better to leave it in the bush.”

Sebastian mumbled something about Sylvester having big hands and added that there are plenty more fish in the bush. I decided I should let it slip past. Instead I shot them both a look of disapproval.

“OK,” I said. “Let’s try this again. I don’t think, Sylvester, that you should have your snout in that particular trough.”

I think I may have to go in a moment. Sebastian has just got a call on his cell and let everyone know that Rainbow will be dropping by shortly and wants to show us her jugs.

“She’s only just got them out of the kiln,” he said helpfully. “She want’s to show us her pottery. It’s come on so well recently.”

Have a delightful weekend and if you’re one of my American members have the very best of Independence Days. To all my members, keep it real and stay distanced and masked if you can. 

Fiona

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Rainbow whips out her crackers.

As you may know, my personal trainer, Sebastian, has a delightful sister named Rainbow. The west coast has many people named by well intentioned hippy parents, that have grown up to be very unlike their free wheeling parents. 

While Rainbow is decidedly whimsical and likely in line with what her parents expected, not all my acquaintances are so well named. For example, Rainbow is a yoga teacher and perfectly qualified, being both gluten free and lactose intolerant. However, another friend of mine was blessed with the name ‘Swallow’ by her parents. If the swallow really is the bird of love, then one would hardly expect a corrections officer working in a high security prison to carry such a name and yet that is indeed where she has had a quite successful career.

Continue reading “Rainbow whips out her crackers.”

We all get to swallow our own medicine.

“Swallow, Fiona!” said Sebastian, pushing me onward.

“But…” I protested, my mouth almost overflowing.

Rainbow, Sebastian’s sister, added, “Go on, Fiona. You’ve taken more than a couple of mouthfuls already.”

She gave me a knowing look and whispered, “I know you love it really!” Then she lay back on her yoga mat in my garden, the soft fragrance of lavender wafting over us.

I should explain, Rainbow and Sebastian are at my place this morning and brought some healthy kale and ginger smoothies with them. I know how good it is for me, so even though I may gag a little, I manage to force it down. I don’t mind Sebastian and Rainbow coming over for breakfast as long as we enjoy it in the garden, and maintain a reasonable social distance.

“It tastes very,” I searched for words, “…healthy.”

It tasted so healthy I wondered if I was going to throw up. It’s not the first time I’ve been exposed to this recipe. To be fair, one does feel wonderful when one finishes drinking it.

Rainbow brings a couple of interesting points to her interpretation of yoga poses.

Sebastian is a very diligent personal trainer. This dreadful virus business has hit his business quite hard. He and his sister come over to my place every two or three days for morning yoga, which helps me keep nice and trim and as long as we are reasonably careful I feel glad of their presence. I get to dress in a beautiful leotard and tights as we do our yoga class, and Max my next door neighbor’s young son watches us through his binoculars from his bedroom window.

“You know,” said Sebastian, “your body is the sum total of all that you put into it. It’s best to choose things that are wholesome.”

I briefly thought back, remembering a long and and enjoyable youth, and smiled.

“See,” cut in Sebastian, “the thought has brought a smile back to your face.”

“No, you misunderstand,” I replied. “I was just thinking about a little encounter I had last fall. Very wholesome.”

However, that’s not the main reason I’m writing today. We’re living in turbulent times. You don’t need me to remind you of that. I do however want to encourage you to do a couple of things this week.

The first is to stay focused on social distancing and wearing a mask in areas where there are groups of people. Just because there’s a lot of protests going on, the virus doesn’t just go away. Guard your health with common sense.

Second, as I often suggest to my members, let’s not rush to judge others this week. Asking oneself, “what would I be doing if that were my brother?” is a good first step to trying to understand some of the events unfolding. Those of us who explore the gender spectrum understand about being judged harshly. Let’s try not to make that mistake with others.

If you’ve not already done so, be sure to join my Patreon, I’d like to try and get up to 175 Patrons this month.  It’s just $1 a month and you know you’re going to get a lot of joy from it.

Enjoy the beautiful song by Marvin Gaye. Be sure to let me know how you’re getting along.

😊

Fiona

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COVID19 Crossdressing News.

I looked at Sylvester skeptically, my arms folded and leaned back against the stove in my kitchen.

“Really, a quarantine reserve?” I said.

“Yes,” he said firmly. “Just enough food and supplies so that you don’t need to go out, should you feel sick. I mean, spreading this thing around the place hardly seems to be living  up to your civic responsibility.”

“Is it really necessary,” I asked. “I was planning to spend tomorrow morning at the nail spa.”

“Probably not.  Hopefully not. But perhaps. And if it is, then you’ll be a lot more comfortable with it than without it. It’s not urgent, but you may want to have a few things to hand.”

“I can imagine you’d have 200 cans of baked beans in yours.”

“That’s not fair,” protested Sylvester.

“Your flatulence isn’t fair,” I responded. “Besides, I think I’d rather die of flu than be gassed to death.”

“Besides, it only has to last a couple of weeks. By then you’ll be better. Or dead.”

“So you have 14 cans of beans, then?”

“And other products.”

“Well, if you get sick you be sure to come over here. I make excellent chicken soup. And bloody mary’s. And I have a good reserve to see us through, if Auntie Kittie hasn’t drunk it all. But you may have a point. If one does get sick, going out for supplies might be a little bit of a drag. I shall put a list together of things to get in.”

I took a pad of paper and started noting essentials. My list started:

Quarantine List for CORVID19 survival.

Foundation (I don’t like to look too pale).

Eyeliner (If you have to take a selfie and put it on social media when you are sick, it’s nicer if your eyes really pop).

Blush (it’s always good to have a little color in your cheeks).

Influenza safe lingerie (Be sure to be buried in this if things don’t go so well – crossdressed to eternity).

Pink N19 face mask (which probably doesn’t work but goes well with that nice polo neck I got on Amazon last week).

Sylvester interrupted me with a hurt look on his face, and said “I don’t think you’re taking this very seriously.”

“Quite the contrary. I have already set aside a very healthy reserve. I’ve also stocked up on hand sanitizer, cancelled a flight I don’t really have to take, and I am expecting to work a lot more from home in the future. So, I think I am very well prepared.”

At that point Sebastian and his sister, Rainbow arrived for our evening ‘wine and yoga’ class.

As I pulled on my leggings in my bedroom I asked Rainbow, who was also changing, what she thought about it all, and immediately regretted it.

“Well, I don’t think canned food is a good idea.  Everyone knows canned food is not as good as fresh, and probably has evil spirits in it. I’ve always found pineapple helps me if I have flu. That and some kombucha. I do have some crystals though.”

While a lemon might be perfect if this particular illness were more closely related to scurvy, I thought I might hold off on Rainbow’s advice. Scurvy is not something we see a lot of in Canada.

“So, you don’t go with Sylvester’s baked beans only remedy?”

“If we don’t get gassed to death he’ll blow us up when Sebastian sparks up a joint. I’m not sure which is the worse way to die!” she replied thoughtfully.

On a more serious note, here’s a great website for suggestions of what to gather should you feel the need – https://www.businessinsider.com/expert-how-to-stockpile-healthy-food-14-day-coronavirus-quarantine-2020-2

There’s a lot of spurious information floating around. It’s smart to be prepared, but not to panic. Probably the most valuable tool at present is a bar of soap for thorough hand washing. But if you do end up sick, be sure to have just the right night wear to hand if you end up quarantined for weeks. And with that, I’m off to buy some new nighties.

Got some suggestions for your Quarantine List for CORVID19 survival kit? Be sure to add them to the comments below.