Sylvester’s giant pain in the …

Sylvester’s giant erection.

What a strange time it’s been. Today in Vancouver we have the strangest light, as smoke from forest fires up and down the west coast fills the air. Visibility here is really quite terrible.

With Covid, and forest fires one can only think that a plague of frogs might be next.Ā It does leave one wondering why more people don’t take climate change seriously. It’s going to get hotter and drier in the coming years, and if we don’t want this every summer we might as well get used to reducing carbon emissions.

Sylvester, my mechanic friend, swung by earlier, and told me how his week’s been going. Not much better than mine I think.

ā€œIt took three of use, heaving and panting and sweating to get my erection up,ā€ said Sylvester, my mechanic, sitting at my kitchen table and sipping tea from my finest bone china. Like many of my best friends he just appears in my kitchen sometimes. Like a big sweaty mechanic genie.

ā€œI’m sure it did,ā€ I said sympathetically. ā€œNow, just tell me again, this ā€˜erection’, what is that again?ā€

Continue reading “Sylvester’s giant pain in the …”

Staff Trouble – Mistress Meg.

Mistress Meg’s progressive approach to staff management is not always appreciated by others.

I felt I should share this weeks events with you. I’m sure you’ll find them of interest. Those of you who are Seahorse members on my Patreon will appreciate some of the events more than others, being familiar with my work.  However, for those of you who have not yet joined me at that level, think of this as an introduction.

As I fastened the final leather cuffs to Mr. Barton’s forearms, I turned to Stacy and said, ā€œCorrect me if I’m wrong, Stacy, but if I’m not mistaken I can’t help thinking Mr. Barton is not a completely happy man.ā€
 
For those of you who have been reading my posts you regularly, you will know I am a very perceptive and sensitive person. I’m very generous by nature and I pick up on these things.
 
ā€œWhat makes you think that?ā€ said Stacy, as she selected a pair of shiny heavy steel nipple clamps.
 
ā€œMostly it’s the sobbing. The whimpering, too. The squirming is also something that does give him away a little.ā€ I paused for a moment and then, addressing Mr. Barton, added, ā€œWhat on earth is the matter?ā€
 
Mr. Barton’s muffled replay came between sobs. ā€œNothing, Mistress Meg.ā€
 
ā€œWell, you wouldn’t think so, the way you’re carrying on. Stacy, bring the ball gag,ā€ I said sharply. ā€œAnd let’s get those nipple clamps on you!ā€

Continue reading “Staff Trouble – Mistress Meg.”

Preparing yourself for your next adventure.

There’s a temptation to think of crossdressing as something people only do in the privacy of an intimate environment. In many cases that is true, though most of us would like to take it further, but stifle this desire.

Breaking out of this mold and dressing outdoors is a major step for many of us and leads to a better understanding of the fluid nature of our gender. Once the initial trepidation is over come – and, yes, I could write a book on that alone – then a new world emerges. It feels wonderful to find this, and for many it’s the first time they feel entirely comfortable and can be themselves.

As one enjoys the freedom to wear what we want, and be who we are, it starts to feel increasingly comfortable. I often point people toward this article to get a better basic understanding of crossdressing, and what it means to you. It’s the experience in the end that is our best teacher, though. It takes courage to make those first steps. You might think of it as the price you have to pay to be your true self.

Continue reading “Preparing yourself for your next adventure.”

The Pastor comes to tea. Mistress Meg.

I looked at the young pastor and offered him another cup of tea. He sat in my room with a look of hopeful expectation.

ā€œI would love to contribute to your fund, and I must say that, in principle I am of course an avid supporter of anything that helps disadvantaged inner city youth,ā€ and with that I paused and leaned a little closer, my cleavage spilling into his eyeline.

I continued, ā€œBut, I wonder, Pastor. What can you do for me?ā€

The young man looked a little surprised, then replied, ā€œNaturally, I’d like to help my benefactor in any way I can.ā€ I couldn’t help noticing the struggle he was having averting his eyes from my breasts.

Continue reading “The Pastor comes to tea. Mistress Meg.”

Today is likely to be one of the hottest days of summer.

Isn’t it wonderful to enjoy the sun on a day like this. Just remember that while you get into that mini skirt, you should also be very careful not to get too much sun.

It’s a great idea to carry a bottle of water, some sunscreen and at the start and end of your crossdressing day be sure to use some aloe based mopisturizer. There’s a few listed below.

Also, be smart – don’t go to restaurants or crowded public places. There’s a lot of Covidiots out there. Being in the great outdoors and socially distanced is how we’re going to get through this.

šŸ™‚

Fiona

Max’s Premature Ejaculation.

There was a steady stream of water falling between Ali, my Syrian gardener’s legs.

ā€œAli,ā€ I said. ā€œWould you mind telling me what you’re doing?ā€

ā€œAh, madam. I’m watching Max’s premature ejaculation. He did it for his motherā€¦ā€

I paused. I’ve learned that’s a good idea with Ali. I’m never quite sure if he’s serious, or just confused.

ā€œHis water hose… He’s got it hooked up to Google – that online house thing. It waters the flowers. Well, drowns them actually. It’s coming on prematurely and the water pressure’s too high.ā€

ā€œI see,ā€ I said. I decided I had better talk to that English teacher of his.

Continue reading “Max’s Premature Ejaculation.”

Clothes Maketh The Man – Part 1.

It was one of those crazy situations that you just never believe can happen. I was visiting my sister in San Francisco and arrived at the airport only to find my luggage was in Albuquerque – which was not part of the plan at all.

I’d flown out of Chicago just hours before having been called to come in and interview for a position with an advertising agency, and I was excited about the possibility of a great career move. I’d packed my best suit, a shirt and some shoes, and that was about it. I could be in and out of San Francisco in a coupe of days, and I’d stay over with Jennifer, my sister.

Jennifer is one of those people others look at and think is the perfect sister. However, behind closed doors she could be a little harsh, to say the very least. I think growing up I’d seen a mean streak no one else had been exposed to. Either way, I always knew there was something a little dark about her.

I wouldn’t say I am exactly ā€˜sensitive’ to these things, but there was definitely something about the way she would tease me as a child. You just never knew how far it would go. And there was always the possibility it would go to far.

Continue reading “Clothes Maketh The Man – Part 1.”

A little something extra.

I realise I may be out of step with some of my members when I say this, and this is really just my own opinion, but I do feel quite comfortable limiting some of my social interactions as we go through the whole Corona thing.  I’ve taken the opportunity to trim out some of the less positive people in my life, and do more of the things I enjoy.

It’s a little bit like having the opportunity to fine tune one’s life a little. Reducing the negative people in my life, and engaging in the things I enjoy has become something of a goal. Sadly, Sylvester is having a more difficult time of it, being so outgoing and social.

Sylvester, for example, throws enjoyable parties, though sometimes they really do get quite out of hand. On one evening last year he had a rather unusual night during which one of his friends decided they were intent on cornering me and plying me with drink, in the hopes that they might do unspeakable, but delightful things to my body.

Continue reading “A little something extra.”

The top ten things you need to know to stop being a complete sissy bitch.

I have to say that I always try to be positive, and with the exception of when speaking about Amanda, I exercise my mother’s good advice. If you have nothing positive to say, then say nothing. Wise words.

You will understand how writing this piece has been a challenge, and yet one I feel I have to complete. However, after considerable deliberation and talking with both Sylvester and Auntie Kittie, I have put pen  to paper. Auntie Kittie pointed out that sometimes you have to grasp the nettle and say that which needs to be said.

ā€œIt’s like that time in South Africa,ā€ said Auntie Kittie, ā€œwhen I had to tell a trans friend, who was staying at the school out there where I am a school governor, not to sun bathe naked. The grade 9 biology students are confused enough already!ā€

ā€œNo, Kittie,ā€ I replied. ā€œIt’s not like that at all, but I still have to write it. There are some members that might need to hear it.ā€

Continue reading “The top ten things you need to know to stop being a complete sissy bitch.”

I am surrounded by idiots.

I sat in my garden this afternoon, socially distanced from my two expectant looking guests seated nearby, beside the gentle shape of a bouganvillia, off-setting the colours of the smokey pink and soft grey of my summer dress. Sylvester and Rainbow, Sebastian’s sister, looked on hopefully.

ā€œSo, let me get this straight,ā€ I said. ā€œYou’re asking me – and Sylvester I think I am quoting you correctly – which is better:

                A: Sylvester’s idea, a facial scrub which is made by simply driving along behind a gravel truck while sticking your head out of the car window.ā€

At this point Sylvester was nodding and grinning like a chimpanzee that has just found the key to a kitchen cupboard full of banannas.

I continued, ā€œOr B: Rainbow’s idea, a facial scrub made of vanilla extract, cream, vegetable oil, oatmeal and aloe, which is then smoothed on the skin and allowed to dry, before driving along behind a gravel truck while sticking your head out of the car window.ā€

Rainbow smiled at me vacantly and nodded.

Sometimes, I feel like I am surrounded by idiots. It may seem a harsh thing to say, but it’s true. I considered the question for a moment.

ā€œObviously,ā€ I said at length, ā€œthe answer is ā€˜B’.ā€

Sylvester looked crestfallen. Before he could ask why I continued.

ā€œThe answer is ā€˜B’ because you could charge more for it and therefore make more profit. This might mean that in time you could afford to hire the team of psychiatrists that would provide the help that you both so obviously need.ā€

In these trying times of Covid-19 and failing businesses I am finding many of my friends are searching for new business ideas and as such my marketing expertise is in great demand. Perhaps you, too are surrounded by similar challenges.  If you are, you have my sympathy. Such is the lot of those of us who serve.

Be sure to join my Patreon if you’d like to lend a hand to myself and the sadly challenged people with which I surround myself.

Have lovely weekend, and stay safe.

Fiona.

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BREAKING: Vaccine Found! Trump to announce cure.

Trump to announce vaccine has been found for bisexuality.

“We believe there’s only a few cases, maybe 15. Soon they’ll magically disappear. Our non science based approach gets a thumbs up from the electorate. And our thumbs really are way up!”

Speaking from the Rose Garden Trump talked casually with reporters after the announcement.

“You know I am a stable genius,” he added. “I don’t get why everyone thinks this administration is a laughing stock. Bleach anyone?”

Sylvester is checking out Amanda’s cans.

What a strange day it’s turning out to be. Our members are all out doing wonderful things. Julia in Holland, one of my favorite members in our Whatsapp Group, has been out and bought some beautiful summery things, and nearby I know Lenni is having a garage sale.

Julia has been doing so well. She, like many of my members in the Whatsapp Group, shares some of her experiences and activities with other members of the group. It makes it a very supportive community.

This afternoon a few friends will be stopping by as the isolation period begins to lift. Lockdown here in Canada has been well observed and the results mean we are now able to begin very gradually restarting 2020. I, like most of my friends, feel that having a glass of wine in the garden with one or two friends is much more comfortable than going out to a restaurant, for the time being at least. It also gives us the chance to have a bit of a barbecue in the garden. Sebastian is hoping to treat us to his sausage later on. I am wearing a denim skirt, tee shirt and a lovely floral mask, and keeping things very simple.

Sylvester and Sebastian arrived a little while ago astride his enormous chopper.

Taking off his helmet he said excitedly, ā€œAmanda’s going to drop by later. She wants me to check out her cans.ā€

ā€œI’m sorry?ā€ I replied a little surprised.

ā€œHer headphones,ā€ he said. ā€œShe says they crackle. She wants me to see if I can sort them out. It’s probably just a loose connection. They were very expensive apparently. Mind you that was in 1993. Still, I said I’d check them out.ā€

ā€œOh,ā€ I said doubtfully. ā€œI see.ā€

I have told Sylvester on more than one occasion that Amanda is in a relationship with my neighbour, Marjory the competitive lesbian eater. Or should that be ā€˜the competitive eating lesbian’. Well, as I’ve mentioned before Marjory is apparently quite a big noise in the world of competitive eating, although like so many sporting disciplines they are experiencing something of a famine this season.

ā€œYou should be a little careful,ā€ I said to Sylvester. ā€œMarjory and Amanda are together, as inexplicable as it may be. I’m not sure that you should be hunting in that particular briar patch. You might get pricked.ā€

ā€œI don’t mean to be pedantic,ā€ said Sebastian cutting in. ā€œBut, I’m not sure you can hunt in a brier patch.ā€

In the interests of contextual accuracy I rephrased my doubts to Sylvester, saying ā€œI’m really not sure you want that bird in your hand. Better to leave it in the bush.ā€

Sebastian mumbled something about Sylvester having big hands and added that there are plenty more fish in the bush. I decided I should let it slip past. Instead I shot them both a look of disapproval.

ā€œOK,ā€ I said. ā€œLet’s try this again. I don’t think, Sylvester, that you should have your snout in that particular trough.ā€

I think I may have to go in a moment. Sebastian has just got a call on his cell and let everyone know that Rainbow will be dropping by shortly and wants to show us her jugs.

ā€œShe’s only just got them out of the kiln,ā€ he said helpfully. ā€œShe want’s to show us her pottery. It’s come on so well recently.ā€

Have a delightful weekend and if you’re one of my American members have the very best of Independence Days. To all my members, keep it real and stay distanced and masked if you can. 

Fiona

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Time to take out the trash.

Generally I find approaching things with an open mind is a good idea. Sebastian, my personal trainer, has suggested I take the same approach when working on my legs.

This morning I was walking on the beach and noticed some litter in the dunes. It was just some detritus left by a parent, likely overwhelmed by their excitable kids. Nothing to really be upset about.  I picked it up and disposed of it in a litter bin not far away.

I would have forgotten the incident entirely but for something that happened later in the day. I’d finished the days work and took Hannibal, my dachshund for his walk, and as I made my way through one of our beautiful parks I noticed a young woman with a handwritten sign on her back picking up litter. She had a stick and a garbage bag and was working her way through a number of the people enjoying the summer evening. As I got closer to the young woman I noticed the sign on her back read ā€œVolunteerā€ in hastily scrawled hand.

I was curious and so walked up to the lady and asked, ā€œwhat’s the story?ā€

She replied very politely that lives nearby and she walks in the park every day, and doesn’t like seeing litter left around.  She’d noticed that if she comes out now and then and picks up the litter now and then the people in the park notice her and start to clean up after themselves.

Continue reading “Time to take out the trash.”

Unmasking the truth.

Like everything else, we can address the question of masks with style, kindness and our own values.

While sitting in my garden, enjoying watching Ali bent over working on some of the flowerbeds, I was surprised to see Sylvester (my mechanic) arrive and use my rear entrance (phrasing) sitting astride his enormous chopper.

He’s spent much of his time polishing up his chopper recently, but then haven’t we all? This lockdown can be a little tedious, can’t it? Sylvester does enjoy riding his Harley and keeping it pristine.

Maintaining social distancing he joined me in the garden and we sat and talked. He looked quite agitated. It takes a lot to phase Sylvester. Naturally, in my role as both friend and counselor I felt I should help.

ā€œIt’s Amanda.  What am I supposed to do about her?ā€

ā€œEuthanasia?ā€ I asked helpfully, adjusting the way my sun dress hung from my shoulders.

ā€œPlease,ā€ he insisted, ā€œtry to be helpful!ā€

ā€œWhat seems to be the problem, Sylvester?ā€ I asked.

ā€œWell,  I asked her if she’d like to come for a ride on my chopper,ā€ continued Sylvester.

ā€œBut Sylvester, Amanda is with Marjory now,ā€ I said.

ā€œI know. But sometimes I like to take people on my bike. It’s fun.ā€

ā€œWell,ā€ I said, ā€œI suppose it’s fairly harmless. Even though I understand you’ve ā€˜checked her fluids’ on more than one occasion.ā€

Continue reading “Unmasking the truth.”