That’s no suspender belt!

It’s been an exciting week for the residents of Huckleberry Close. My friend and mechanic Sylvester has been hosting his brother an unemployed cheesemonger from Uvalde in Texas. Diego is a volunteer police officer, which is like a real police officer but not quite.

“Diego,” I said, after serving an enormous breakfast, “do they give you a gun?”

“Oh, no. We’re not allowed to carry guns. Volunteer peace officers don’t get to do that. But we can operate the siren in the police car,” he told me.

“I expect that’s something,” I said.

“And we get this waist coat thing,” he said. “I’ll show you,” and then went out to his car and brought in a piece of equipment that looked very military with pouches and belt straps.

As luck would have it Sylvester and Diego had to hurry off shortly after this and it was only later that I saw the utility vest lying on my couch. On a whim I tried it on, and at that very moment I got a call from Rainbow, who as you know has become a full time student training to be a counselor. She was in a panic about having to get to an interview and her moped had broken down.

“Oh, Fiona! You have to help me!” she said.

Now, as you know I am a very sympathetic person. Indeed I have been told that in a crisis I am the voice of calm.

“Don’t  worry, dear,” I said, sitting down on the sofa and tucking my legs beneath me, expecting this to be one of those conversations that go on much longer than they need to.

“But I’m such a mess! I’ve ripped my blouse and I have to get to this interview. And my hair! It’s a sight.”

“Darling,” I said.  “I shall bring you a calming cup of komboucha, and sort out everything.”

With that I skipped upstairs, found a brush and some hair spray, and a little sewing kit. Realising I was still wearing the utility vest with the word “POLICE” on the back, I thrust the can of hair spray into one of the webbing pouches, did the same with the sewing kit, and slid my large Remington hair dryer into the holster and walked out to the car. Minutes later I drew up behind Rainbow, where she was pulled over on the hard shoulder of the hiway. I put the hazzard lights on just to be sure my vehicle was safe, and stepped out of the car.

Being a bright winters day I was, of course, wearing my aviator sun glasses.

“Rainbow, dear. Don’t you worry,” I said as I walked up to her dejected form. I could see she’d torn the sleeve on her blouse. What a sight she was. Her hair was all out of place, and she was clearly a victim of ‘helmet hair”.

“Oh, thank goodness you’re here,” she said.

“Let’s get you sorted out.” I said, “Just lean up against the car so I can sew that sleeve up nicely.”

Naturally I knew I’d not have the right angle to sew her sleeve if I did it in the car.

“That’s it, dear,” I said. “Just put your hands on the bonnet, so it hangs nicely.”

As she leaned against the vehicle I swiftly ran a few stitches along the ripped seem and moments later you’d never know it had parted. I then drew out the Remington and started blow drying her hair from behind.

That was when the police car pulled up behind me.

I suppose I should be grateful that here in Canada everyone knows everyone. It was David, our local police officer. You may remember I mentioned Jeff ( to you, who looks after border control here. Well, David is his brother. Unfortunately he didn’t finish grade ten, and so never got into border control. Needless to say David took in the scene in an instant.

“That’s never going to work,” he said and got a better hair dryer from his holster. In a jiffy he had Rainbow in the back of his cruiser and drove her to the job interview, lights on and everything. We are so fortunate with our police here.

So, as you can see it’s never dull here. Now, this month I’ve been getting my Patreon running again, following the Twitter debacle. Yes, I got kicked, and yes 90,000 followers went down the river. I have been finding it so horribly toxic this last few years that I am not unhappy to be off it. However it has denied me a platform, so I am replacing it by returning to Patreon. Additionally I’ve added a special level there called ‘Behind the scenes with Fiona’ for those wanting to be a little more intimate with me.

I’ve also stepped into Mastadon, which I would say is very different from Twitter. It’s quite nice, but one has to get past the idea of building huge follower numbers. It’s more to do with engagement, and more importantly quality engagement. I can be found here –, if you’re getting into Mastodon.

You can help me by joining my Patreon here –

Enjoy the musical offering below and I hope you have had a fabulous week.

😊 Fiona

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