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I need some new eyeshadow for my third eye!
“Push your bum back a bit,” said Sebastian, maneuvering behind me.
“Oh, Sebastian,” I said, perspiration dripping from my brow.
“That’s better,” he said pressing his hand into the small of my back.
As you probably know, Sebastian is my personal trainer. We often do yoga sessions together. Some of these yoga positions are really quite challenging. As we move into the cooler weather I do find I like to lift up the intensity of my exercise regime. And Sebastian is a treasure, I really do enjoy getting it up with him. My yoga is very important to me.
I also find that with the cooler weather I like to dress in suitably warmer clothes, and the opportunity to explore new styles is a source of great joy. I enjoy wearing a kilt, and know there are many other members, some who cannot overtly dress in femme clothing but can wear a kilt from time to time. A kilt is a very good way to gradually introduce more androgynous clothing into your repertoire.
This week, as an exercise perhaps you can check out a few ideas for kilts online – here’s a start.
I also loved the tights below. They have a nice tartan imprint. I do have some distant Scottish heritage and used to spend every Christmas on the Isle Of Skye. I even got lost in Dunvegan Castle once as a child. But one thing I do enjoy is watching the Highland Games events. I have always thought Bernard would be rather good at tossing the caber. I understand he comes from Essex, in England, which some of my English friends have told me is full of tossers.
Bernard tells me that it sometimes gets so cold in the north of Canada that there’s so many icicles hanging from his sporran that you’d think he brought along his own wind chimes. What a sight that must be.
Here in Canada we believe in an inclusive approach to life. This is exemplified by my good friend Justin, who – when he’s not busy running the country – is very happy to swing by and take a walk on the beach nearby. And I have to say, he doesn’t have bad legs. He’s asked me once or twice if I can spare Sebastian for a yoga class, but so far we’ve been a bit too busy and our schedules haven’t been quite aligned. Perhaps he’ll join us for a class here in Huckleberry Close as things slow down around Christmas. At least, he promised he would. We’ll see.
If you enjoy a ghostly tale you may want to keep an eye open for The Living Doll on http://FionaDobson.com . There’s also The Foreshore Light and The Apartment, for those of you who like the ghostly theme of Halloween, both of which are already available. If you’d like to hear Jules Sanderson reading The Foreshore Light you can do so here. Be sure to check them out when you have a moment. I think I’ve given you enough there to keep you up at night. It’s not often that you find ghostly stories suitable for crossdressers, but I do try to present a broad cross section of content for my lovely members.
If you’re not already a member be sure to check out the membership options here – http://FionaDobson.com/my-programs
Have a lovely week,
🙂
Fiona
Sylvester slammed his tackle roughly in from behind!
As perhaps you know I am enjoying a little time away from the hard weather and have slipped of to the Baja, in Mexico. Such a delightful place. However, you can imagine the surprise when I received an excited phone call from Ali, my gardener.
“You should have seen it, Miss Fiona. Sylvester slammed his tackle roughly in from behind. I’ve not seen anything like it!”
As you’ve likely guessed, Ali has discovered ice hockey. Well, it had to happen. You can’t be in Canada for very long without being affected by this the national sport.
“It was wonderful,” said Ali. “He’s been on the game for some years, I hear.”
“I think you mean, ‘he’s been on the team’, Ali,” I corrected him. I really do worry about Ali’s English at times. I really must speak to his teacher.
Ali went on to tell me that Sebastian’s been going out with a new girl and is very taken with her. Apparently she’s very pretty but she has a squint. Unfortunately she’s unable to see him any more. Poor Sebastian.
I do like to keep up with the news at home as you can tell, but that’s not the main reason I’m writing. I thought I’d share some news with you. I have added a new $1 level to my Patreon page. This allows you to penetrate just a little deeper without going to the full expense of the other programs. I realise there are many things out there at present competing for your attention, and at such a difficult time it’s sometimes a little hard to justify the expense of a full program like the Premium Program for some of us. It’s important to me to be available to all my members, so I talked to Max about this and asked for his ideas.
He said, “You need to give people a different option. Some way to have a relationship without too much expense. You need some kind of ‘Back Door’. So, with this in mind I am inviting you to join my Patreon and use my ‘back door’ for just $1 a month. I think you’re going to like it. It’s exclusively on Patreon. Join here – https://www.patreon.com/fionadobsonCD
🙂
Fiona
Become a member!PS. Just click any of the hotlinked names in the post to get more stories about that particular person. It’s a fun way to learn about my friends.
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The children of Ukraine need us. Support children in Ukraine by supporting Unicef’s work in Ukraine here.
I’ve laid the table, now what’s next?
I really do enjoy having a few friends over in the evening. So it was that I found myself, just the other day, hosting a small party with Sylvester, Auntie Kittie, Sebastian, Rainbow and her new friend, Epiphany. Just use those links if you’d like to explore a little more detail of each of these great friends.
I’d prepared a small variety of dishes. You know how it is when you are taking into account the various dietary needs of people, I’m sure. When I had asked Epiphany what sort of foods she enjoyed she had informed me that she ‘preferred not to feast on the flesh of murdered animals.’
Epiphany is a very slight girl. I am sure she’ll become Rainbow’s lover. She has very small hands.
As Sylvester was listening to Rainbow talking about a flasher who has been frightening people in a local park, I put out the tofu drizzled with a peanut satay sauce.
“He was about average height and had a big coat. And I think he was right handed,” said Rainbow who didn’t seem the slightest concerned that she’d been exposed to in such a manner, when out for her evening run.
“How exciting,” I said. “And with all this cold weather, too!”
Epiphany and Rainbow, both choosing not to eat meat, were extolling the virtues of a vegetarian diet.
“I have often thought I should become vegetarian,” I said. “Though I really do enjoy seafood.”
Sylvester decided to chime in and added, “Fiona does love a winkle in cider now and then.”
I told Sylvester to shut up, you know he really can be quite coarse at times.
At this point Auntie Kittie chimed in that she thought everybody loves a well prepared bird on the table, “and honestly, girls, who doesn’t love a good stuffing?”
I gave Sylvester a sharp kick under the table as I saw his mouth open, but before he could make some crude comment. He muttered something about everyone loving a good sausage.
It’s such a good thing I always prepare a variety delights for my guests. I served the various dishes but not before suggesting to my assembled guests that they should be sure to leave a little room for desert. What a surprise it was for them when, after I cleared away the main course Auntie emerged from the kitchen and whipped out her dumplings covered in cream!
But that’s not the main reason I’m writing to you today. I am trying to build up my Patreon following. It’s an up hill struggle, but the more members I can grow there, the more content I can release. Your support is greatly appreciated, especially in these tough times. In case you don’t know you can support me there by subscribing for as little as $5, or if you choose to become one of my Unicorn level members you can get one of my famous ‘You want me to use which bathroom’ mugs. Who could resist such an offering!
Have a lovely evening,
Fiona
PS. Enjoy the video with Annie Lennox, Hugh Laurie and John Malkovich below.
We all get to swallow our own medicine.
“Swallow, Fiona!” said Sebastian, pushing me onward.
“But…” I protested, my mouth almost overflowing.
Rainbow, Sebastian’s sister, added, “Go on, Fiona. You’ve taken more than a couple of mouthfuls already.”
She gave me a knowing look and whispered, “I know you love it really!” Then she lay back on her yoga mat in my garden, the soft fragrance of lavender wafting over us.
I should explain, Rainbow and Sebastian are at my place this morning and brought some healthy kale and ginger smoothies with them. I know how good it is for me, so even though I may gag a little, I manage to force it down. I don’t mind Sebastian and Rainbow coming over for breakfast and we enjoy it in the comfort of my garden.
“It tastes very,” I searched for words, “…healthy.”
It tasted so healthy I wondered if I was going to throw up. It’s not the first time I’ve been exposed to this recipe. To be fair, one does feel wonderful when one stops drinking it.
Sebastian is a very diligent personal trainer. He and his sister come over to my place every two or three days for morning yoga, which helps me keep nice and trim and I feel glad of their presence. I get to dress in a beautiful leotard and tights as we do our yoga class and all the while Max (my next door neighbor’s young son) surreptitiously watches us through his binoculars from his bedroom window. I think he’s furthering his knowledge of human anatomy. He should be careful doing too much of that, he could go blind.
“You know,” said Sebastian, “your body is the sum total of all that you put into it. It’s best to choose things that are wholesome.”
I briefly thought back, remembering a long and and enjoyable youth, and smiled.
“See,” cut in Sebastian, “the thought has brought a smile back to your face.”
“No, you misunderstand,” I replied. “I was just thinking about a little encounter I had last fall. Very wholesome.”
Enjoy the beautiful song by Marvin Gaye. Be sure to let me know how you’re getting along.
Fiona
Become a member!Let’s talk colonic irrigation.
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Looking for that special gift for the dominant uber bitch in your life? What could possibly be better than this Sexy Leather Bodysuit Leotard? Nothing says “I want you to dress me up like a sissie and beat the heck out of me” quite like a faux leather leotard! Just $19.95.
Max shoved a carrot up Sebastian’s exhaust pipe! The video story – Part 3.
Tragedy strikes in Huckleberry Close, but don’t worry – my nails look perfect!
Become a Patron!Max shoved a carrot up Sebastian’s exhaust pipe! The video story – Part 2
The awful truth about the nefarious vegetable emerges.
Become a Patron!Max shoved a carrot up Sebastian’s exhaust pipe! The video story – Part 1
Max shoved a carrot up Max’s exhaust pipe!
DeSantis ate my panties!
I usually enjoy my morning tea after a short yoga work out, while I read the headlines on my tablet. Yet this week all I seem to be inundated with in my news feed is the news that some US states are legislating against drag shows and emulating such countries as Uganda in their headlong run toward transphobia. It seems an odd choice for a country claiming to be forward thinking.
“Honestly,” I said as Sebastian poured another cup, “these cucks will stop at nothing!”
“What’s that?” asked Sebastian.
“Well, that ridiculous man DeSantis claims he’s going to save our kids from raging queens. But I’ve never heard of any drag performers ever doing anything to a child?”
“That would be because they don’t do anything to children. It’s the old trick, invent a problem and then offer a solution and claim you’re the only person that can fix it,” said Sebastian.
“So, how many drag queens do abuse children?” I asked. “I usually attend drag shows that are charity events raising money for good causes. I can’t remember ever seeing anything that has anything to do with abusing children. You’d think I’d notice.”
“That would be because it’s nonsense. Fortunately here in Canada we don’t get sucked into that sort of thing. I’d be very curious to know just how many drag shows Ron Desantis has been to, as a point of interest,” said Sebastian.
“Well, he does look like a boyfriend I had at university. An odd chap. Ate my panties,” I said remembering an incident unsuitable to repeated here. My memory is a little hazy, but I do remember him being quite embarrassed at the Emergency Department in the hospital. It was a wild time.
“What an odd thing to do,” commented Sebastian.
“It takes all sorts,” I replied. “Nearly choked on them, as I remember.”
I poured more tea.
“But even so, how does this have anything to do with the transgender community? Don’t these people realise drag and transgenderism are two entirely different things?” I persisted.
“Fiona,” replied Sebastian, “you can’t expect these people to think about these things rationally. It’s quite literally beyond them. They have no experience of what they’re talking about, and it’s just about getting cheap votes. Of course, it’s easy to say ‘We’re going to save all these children!’ when in fact none are in any way under threat. And if you’re against their ridiculous legislation you look like you don’t care about children.”
“But look at my members,” I responded. “Most of them have children. You couldn’t find a nicer and more caring group of people.”
“I know,” said Sebastian. “These people appeal to the most frightened and weak members of society. They look for people who are easily influenced. IF they can convince them there’s a problem, then they can set themselves up as the solution. It appeals to many weak minded people. There’s no point trying to argue with them. There’s nothing you can possibly suggest that will make them turn around and say, “Oh yes, you’re right, Fiona!” No, they’re just frightened little people living very sad lives. And that is exactly who a fascist like DeSantis is reaching out to.”
“It seems very sad. And they will end up with blood on their hands, because good people won’t get the gender affirming care they need. But, I guess they don’t care about the kids who die because they’re denied gender affirming care. I guess they’re the wrong kind of kids, right?”
“That’s about the size of it,” said Sebastian.
What a world we live in. Fortunately there is such a thing as a vote. If you live in the southern US be sure to see you are properly registered so that when the time comes we can vote these fascist ding dongs out. Of course, Canadians like myself watch the likes of DeSantis with a sense of bemused amazement. He simply couldn’t even get elected to a school board in this country. At least these idiots make us look good.
“So, what are you up to this weekend,” I asked Sebastian feeling the need to change the subject.
“Bernard is taking Rainbow and I sailing,” he replied. “Poor Rainbow. She’s a struggling student now. She had to sell the watch she got off our grand father on his death bed. She needs cash to get through this month.”
“Oh dear,” I replied.
“Yes,” sighed Sebastian. “Apparently he put up a hell of a struggle but she got it in the end.”
I felt this was an awkward subject but continued, “She always said he was a bit of a tight wad. Though he did have a soft spot for her, as I understand it.”
“Oh yes. Rainbow told me that if she buttered him up, he’d always end up splashing out.”
“Good grief,” I replied.
But that’s not the main reason I’m writing. I just thought I’d let you k now I have a wonderful offer running on Patreon at present. If you become a Unicorn member through my Patreon membership and stay on for three months you get a delightful cup. Something to press to your lips every morning, to remind you of me. I know you’ll love it.
😊
Fiona
Become a Patron!I know what I believe, no need to wear that on my sleeve…
I was doing yoga in my garden just this morning with Sebastian, when he raised something that’s been on my mind a while.
“Fiona,” he said, while adjusting my position in a deep hip opening yoga position, “I have always like that on your blog you are unafraid to deal with the deep and penetrating issues.”
I felt him leaning into my posture, pressing me slightly deeper into the position.
Continue reading “I know what I believe, no need to wear that on my sleeve…”Be careful who you let walk your dog.
I am very proud of my legs. As Sebastian, my personal trainer has often commented, during our yoga practice, I am able to place my legs in some most unusual positions. As I was doing ‘downward dog’ the other morning I felt first a twinge and then one knee collapsed, and I was revisited by some damage incurred during an old skiing accident.
I am very happy with my general health, however in the fall, now and then, I get a twinge. It passes within a week or so, and then I am back to tip top health, but this week I am very slow. I know you are wondering what all this has to do anything, but I felt I should confide in you, as what I am about to say might sound just a little odd.
Part of my morning fitness routine, usually following my morning swim with Sebastian – he really does enjoy giving me a morning work out – is to walk my dog, Hannibal. Now, some of you may remember Hannibal has had more than one run in with Amanda over the years. He once found a marital aid under her sofa and the resulting drama was traumatizing for myself and my poor little dachshund.
He subsequently saw Sebastian’s homeopath for PTSD for several weeks. Pet’s Traumatic Stress Disorder is not a widely recognized, at least not in the DSM, but if you were exposed to Amanda’s adult toy collection I guarantee you’d not be the same person after the experience. A whole teamof therapists wouldn’t be enough, I assure you.
The magnificence of dreams.
I stepped out of the warm stream of the shower knowing Sebastian and Sylvester were downstairs waiting for me in the breakfast room. After pulling on some panties, a robe and my pink fluffy slippers I hurried down the stairs.
Sebastian and Sylvester were at the table. I’d completed a particularly rigorous dawn yoga session with Sebastian. If my hips were any more open you could have driven a train up there. As luck would have it Sylvester had offered to make us breakfast. While usually a coarse oaf, Sylvester has the capacity to be quite sweet at times.
As I glided into the kitchen Sylvester was serving up a delightful grilled breakfast, the sausages sizzling fresh off the skillet. A good start to the day is a lot easier with a breakfast like this. And breakfast is really the most important meal of the day. The bacon was glistening with flavor and the tomatoes came from Ali’s own garden. Quite lovely.
“It’s the damndest thing,” I said staring at the plate.
Sylvester looked at my plate and said “what’s wrong with it?”
“No, not the food. It’s just I had the weirdest dream last night.”
Sebastian asked, “What did you dream?”
I closed my eyes and tried to remember how it all went.
“There were a few of us downtown. And there was this guy who had died.”
“Who was he?” asked Sylvester.
“I don’t know. It’s not important. Just some stiff,” I replied.
“Anyway they wouldn’t let him in the graveyard because the church said they didn’t have room. But everyone knew it was because he was queer. So, there was this drag queen. She was lovely. Let’s call her ‘Carlotta’.., and I. And we stole the body and buried her up in the church yard anyway.”
“You know they don’t let you do that,” said Sylvester.
“It was a dream,” I protested. “And we went up there and buried this guy. And then we did other stuff. Loads of stuff… And I had this lovely long velvet riding dress, like in that English serial. And Carlotta had these sequins on her pants and a gold cowboy hat and these huge guns with pearl inlays and a smoked blue gunmetal finish. A pair of 44s. Matching nails. Did I say we were on horses?”
“I know all about Carlotta’s 44s. How many of you were there,” asked Sylvester, a canny look in his eye.
“I believe it was seven. Seven trannies and drag queens. And one was bald. I’m not quite sure what her deal was. Yes, that sounds about right. You have no idea how much glitter that is.” I replied.
“Yes, you just dreamed The Magnificent Seven. That’s one of the best movies ever made,” said Sylvester.
“I thought it was a fantasy about masculinity and white privilege wrapped up in a self righteous superior message, all avoiding the whole gun thing, and how it’s a penis substitute and actually they’d all rather be playing with their wieners. Except Yul Brynner. No, If he was coming after me with that huge weapon of his. Well, let’s just say I wouldn’t be running away all that fast.” I replied. “Can you imagine,” I said my thoughts drifting off. “…falling, and Yul leaning over you and reaching down and pulling you to your feet, and grabbing a great handful of ass and ripping….” My voice tailed off. Sometimes I do forget not to speak my thoughts.
I continued, “But, yes, still one of the best movies ever made.”
Bringing a note of levity to the conversation Sebastian chimed in, “They’re all gone now…”
And what a time it would be to have a magnificent seven. With trans rights, and democracy itself on the ropes, we see so many hard won advances in decline. Things will turn around again soon. And in the meantime I think we have to support our trans sisters, regardless of what stage they are at, wherever we find them. Remember, you’re not alone. There are many of us here.
Enjoy the video clip below.
😊
Fiona
Do you ever feel like playing with yourself?
Hi,
Of all the busy bees in my life these days chief among them is my good friend and mechanic, Sylvester. I came into the living room just yesterday to find him on the floor with Sebastian, my personal trainer, saying “Colonel Mustard, in the library with a ten-inch dildo.”
“I beg your pardon,” I said a little shocked.
“Oh hello,” said Sylvester. “We’re playing Adult Clue (or Cludo if you are from The United Kingdom). It’s something I’ve adapted from the board game.”
Sylvester can be quite a disturbing individual, and he really can be quite coarse at times.
“Well,” I said, trying to be encouraging although I felt a little awkward, “I’m glad to see you’re not letting your God given talents go to waste, Sylvester.”
After a moment’s thought I added, “Perhaps you could think up some way to murder a new character – you could call her, oh, I don’t know… ‘Amanda’. Death by impaling, in the neighbors house, by the crossdresser.”
For those of you who don’t know, Amanda is my wife’s childhood friend, who has started a relationship with my next door neighbour, Marjory. This is a source of some annoyance, particularly as my wife is travelling at present.
I should tell you I enjoy competitive games enormously. I also play some role playing games. So many times I feel like I’m getting ahead and suddenly someone’s coming up behind me and a breathless struggle ensues. It’s all very exciting. Perhaps you know the feeling. Sometimes I get so excited, I just don’t know what comes over me! I guess it’s the cut and thrust – mostly the thrust – of putting oneself up against a fellow player.
I should also say that this week one of my friends who is a regular player got on a plane to work in New York for a couple of weeks, leaving me with no alternative but to play with myself.
That, however, is not the main reason I’m writing to you. I thought I’d write and tell you about the delightful Mollie Blake. She’s a talented writer who has recently had a piece featured on my website, and we’re expecting to see some interesting new episodes from soon. If you’ve not already read “The Dating Game“, this weekend is a great time to do so.
I should also draw special attention to Katia Thornwood’s writing, which is mostly in my Seahorse level which has been growing into a favorite among my members. Slipping into bed, and putting Katia on to read as you fall asleep is one sure way to end the night on a high note. Katia’s style is quite unique, and if you enjoy her rather strange view of the world.
For the many members who are asking about the Clothes Maketh The Man chapter list it can be found HERE. Well, you can see that the office here has been pretty busy bringing you the best of all things to do with Crossdressing. Have a wonderful week.
😊
Fiona
Become a Patron!I’m not feeling myself this morning!
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I woke up today to a terrific banging.
I awoke this morning to a terrific banging. Now, I know what you’re thinking, but it wasn’t like that at all.
I pulled on a lovely apricot silk gown, and fluffy slippers, and hurried down to the front door, where I was confronted by Sylvester and Sebastian chatting away, framed by snow in the doorway.
“I had a huge curry, last night,” said Sylvester, “and I woke up to find we’d had a terrific dump!”
“Good morning, Sylvester,” I said as the two of them stood on my snowy doorstep. “I assume you’re talking about this heavy snowfall.”
“It’s about 9 inches and I couldn’t get up the drive at all.”
“Can we use your rear entrance, Fiona?” said Sebastian. If I had a nickel for everytime…
“Why don’t you boys slip around the back of the house. Ali’s very kindly cleared the lane. You should be able to park there without difficulty,” I said.
And with that the two boys disappeared and left me to put on the hot chocolate, and warm some croissants. My friends are joining me for breakfast today as we’re working on some new ideas for the premium program. If you’re a member of this wonderful program you’ll know how much fun we have with it. If you’re not, then think about jumping in!
Have a lovely day.
🙂
Fiona
Become a Patron!Imagine, it’s 12 inches long and you’re right on top of it!
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Become a Patron!
Rainbow’s career change.
As I was washing some vegetables this morning after my weekly shop at the organic vegetable store my phone rang, and who should it be but Sebastian, my personal trainer.
“Sebastian,” I said answering the call. “How lovely to hear from you. I’m just washing my organic ethically sourced zuchinis.”
This seemed to stop him in his tracks, but he quickly recovered himself.
“Fiona,” he said, clearly agitated, “what on earth have you been saying to Rainbow?”
You’ll remember that Rainbow is Sebastian’s flakey kombucha drinking yoga teacher sister.
“I chatted with her just yesterday,” I said. “We had a lovely conversation on that thing Max installed on my phone. Snatchchat, I think it’s called.”
“But what did you say to her,” he persisted.
“Oh, we talked about all sorts of things,” I replied. “That Mr. Willow down the road. He got caught cheating on his wife with her twin sister. Funny story actually.”
Before I could go on Sebastian cut in, “Did you give her some career advice?”
“Oh, I wouldn’t give her career advice,” I said. “Not after the incident at the vets place.” –
Sebastian, sounded quite exasperated.
“What on earth’s the matter?” I asked.
Sounding very puzzled, he replied, “I just don’t understand it. She’s going on about you telling her that she should be a therapist.”
“What, Rainbow?” I replied, almost swallowing my tongue in surprise.
“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”
Suddenly a thought came to my mind. It came with the crushing inevitability of a garbage truck backing purposefully over a child’s unseen tricycle left out in the lane.
“Oh, wait,” I said. “I seem to remember saying to her that she should ‘see’ a therapist. Yes, that was it. Somewhere after the second bottle of Cab Sauvignon. Did you know her last therapist took his own life? Terrible!”
“Oh God,” said Sebastian. “She thinks you said she should ‘be’ a therapist. And now she’s all excited about getting trained.”
“It would be an unusual choice for a person like Rainbow,” I said. “Very unusual.”
You can read Rainbow’s profile here.
I shall watch her development with the sense of foreboding it deserves.
Have a lovely week,
Fiona
PS. Enjoy some Contrapoints below.
There’s never a dull moment in the advertising business.
As you likely know, I work for a well known advertising agency in an active office in this delightful city. It is often said that for each job in some industries, several other people are supported. So, for example while a car plant may employ 4,000 people a further 6,000 jobs are created servicing the 4,000 people employed with things like transport, employment services and catering. In much the same way, my work supports not just myself, but also Sylvester my mechanic, Sebastian my personal trainer, Ali my gardener, young Max who helps with technology on my blog and several other assorted hangers on and peripheral individuals.
I was talking on this very subject with Bernard, my photographer, when we were out on agency business just the other day. Ali, who so lovingly tends my garden, spends more time there than I ever do. Instead, while he enjoys my delightful champaign colored roses in my garden I am out driving with Bernard on a task for the advertising agency. And I’m paying Ali! It all seems rather obtuse. That said, I do love Ali, and his daughters are sweetness itself. They arrived in Canada just a couple of years ago, refugees from the war in Syria.
Continue reading “There’s never a dull moment in the advertising business.”What are you driving?
I could not help noticing, whilst driving home from the advertising agency the other day, the names on the back of vehicles. The model names of vehicles are of interest to me, from both the branding perspective and what it tells me about the drivers.
A therapist member of mine recently pointed out to me that several of their erectile dysfunction clients did indeed drive muscle cars, in more than one instance a Hummer. Frankly I feel anyone driving a Hummer should be on their knees begging forgiveness from their children as they pump heat into an increasingly fragile environment. On the other hand, given the erectile dysfunction issues associate with Hummer ownership theirs a good chance that having children is one complication these thoughtless tools will not have to concern themselves with.
Sylvester, on the other hand has shunned the muscles cars and even removed the photo on his office wall of him posing with his Dodge Penetrator 3000. I am pleased to see him mellowing. I do remember the day he pulled up outside my house, on his phone calling me to tell me he was there.
“I’m just pulling into your garage,” he said. “No wait, I’m reversing. Pulling in again… backing up, and going in again now. Perhaps I should go in the laneway round the back. I can get the back way, but it’s a bit tight.”
You know, I may have said this before, but Sylvester can be quite coarse at times.
Personally I like to drive a Buick Vagina. It’s the limited Silhouette edition. So much more my style. Both feminine and powerful, with the twin turbo V6 with the cuddle seats option.
Vehicle names and designs do tell us a lot about their drivers. I noticed a Kia Soul in the traffic as I was driving home, and I can only speculate that some Korean designer sat down and thought hard about what a car designed for Spongebob Squarepants might look like, and then took up the challenge to build it. Ironically the driver of this particular vehicle did look like a cartoon character.
Sebastian, my vegetarian personal trainer, drives a Kia Hymen when not riding his electric bicycle. His sister, Rainbow, drives a Nissan Slide with a synchromatic gearbox. Amanda drives a Prius, which is entirely predictable, while of course Ali, my gardener, drives the Smart Car with a rifle rack on the rear window, adapted to carry his gardening tools. He’s proud to declare he always shows up with his hoes.
One of my Vancouver members, Lenni, is originally from Alaska, and proudly tells of her mother having driven a Ford LTD wagon. This vehicle, with a 7.5 litre engine has the dubious distinction of being capable of hitting a moose, killing it, and then being able to transport it back to the trailor park for butchering. I can’t help thinking life in Alaska holds wonders I am pleased not to have either witnessed or shared.
Instead I think I’ll go and get Sylvester to change the fluids in my Buick Vagina.
Have a lovely week.
Fiona