In an exclusive block buster expose we go behind the scenes at the White House and give you a fly on the wall report from the Oval Office. As you likely know, in my capacity as an Account Executive at the advertising agency I am often asked to contribute to some very detailed discussions with various clients. In tonight’s interview I am pleased to reveal some off the record comments shared by certain members of the White House staff.
For reasons of security some of the names have been changed to protect the innocent. And when I say innocent, I mean as innocent as a large pot of Vaseline in house of ill repute.
Now, through the magic of the internet I’d like to transfer you to the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, as several administration staffers are looking through the morning papers.
Stephen: “I don’t understand it. This rag says I have the dead eyes of a landed bloater.”
Kelly: “I believe a bloater is a type of fish. Don’t let it worry you. You’ll learn a bigger vocabulary when you graduate to grade 12.”
Stephen: “It seems a little unkind. Why do they say nasty things about me?”
Kelly: “I know. You’re more carp like in my opinion. A pale carp. Insipid.”
Don: “Shut up, you two! For God’s sake what are we going to do about these polls! At this rate we’re going to have 30 million unemployed in the next few weeks.”
Kelly: “Thirty million and four.”
Don: “Really? What do you mean?”
Kelly: “It’s an election year, remember. According to the latest figures, adjusted for population diversity and mobility, the Green River Killer has a greater chance of being elected than you have, Mr. President.”
Don: “I never believe the polls. And besides, this administration is bigger than just the four of us! Anyway, I’ve been thinking about that election business. Seems like a real waste of time. What if we push the election back?”
Kelly: “You can’t. It’s set by Congress, and Nancy’s not exactly sympathetic to your plight.”
Don: “They want mail in ballots. I mean, what is this, 1910?”
Stephen: “I’ve got it. All we need to do is abolish the US Postal Service. That would screw both Nancy and Amazon all at once.”
Don: “But what about the voters.”
Kelly: “When did we start caring about them? What have they ever done for you?”
Don: “You’re right. It’s not as if I won the popular vote. Why should I care about them?”
Kelly: “Exactly. I mean, you didn’t all through February. Why start now?”
Stephen: “The media won’t like it.”
Don: “That lot don’t like anything I do. I like this though. Postal Service Reform. I can see it now. It’s going to be the most comprehensive restructuring of a postal service in history.”
Kelly: “We could call it streamlining. A new postal service for a new America. We should be able to screw it up for at least four or five years.”
Stephen: “I’m not sure abolishing it is the same as restructuring it. Technically speaking.”
Kelly: “Same thing. I checked.”
Don: “Brilliant. It worked with Obamacare. We’ll just trash it. Then we’ll see what they make of their mail in ballots. Where’s Mike, he can take care of it?”
Kelly: “He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Don: “The old trouble? I hope he’s ok. He’s been bigly helpful. I like him sitting on my right hand. I think he likes it, too.”
Kelly: “He’s doing a photo op.”
Don: “Well, that’s a relief. At least nothing can go wrong with a photo op.”
Kelly: “Exactly.”
Stephen: “Perfect. Four more years!”
Be sure to find a suitable mask to go along with your latest outfit. And don’t forget, if you make a really nice one you can email me and I will try and include a picture on the site.