What happens when someone is outed? Lenni and Jules discuss the challenges of being ‘outed’ as a crossdresser, or transgender – intentionally or otherwise. Be sure to participate with the continuing discussion via Whatsapp here: https://fionadobson.com/join-our-elit…
I was remarking to Bernard, my photographer, recently that
there seems to be a curious link between crossdressing, divorce and death. We
were returning from a photoshoot for a client with a well known fashion
business, having photographed the new Spring Collection in anticipation of next
“I’ve never been divorced,” said Bernard. “Marriage is one
institution I have not had the pleasure of enjoying.”
I glanced at him as we moved slowly through the city
traffic. I tried to see if he was being sarcastic.
“Well, the term ‘enjoyed’ is not the first that springs to mind,”
“Is your wife back from her trip yet? Where was it, again?”
“Kalamazoo. Or Katmandu. One of those places.” I replied a
little testily. “There really are a remarkable number of my members who seem to
return to their love of crossdressing following divorce. I wonder why that is,” I said.
“Well,” said Bernard, “I suppose following divorce in middle age one is forced to re-evaluate things. You know, be a little introspective.”
When one first realises that there’s a little more to
crossdressing than simply putting on a pair of panties, most of us start a
journey without a compass. Almost inevitably we do so alone.
For many of us finding out that there is a world of gender fluidity is a revelation in itself. As we explore it further, either through online discovery or tentatively exploring alternative lifestyle in our community the first steps are laden with challenges. When something is as simple as a fetish it is easily contained and managed. The suppression of a side of ourselves that has been trying to find expression throughout our life is likely the cause of unhappiness and probably depression. As it begins to grow stronger and we move to a point where it is no longer suppressed we start to find joy and fulfillment. However, for many of us there is no yardstick and no guideline to follow that steers us in the right direction.
I was chatting with a friend of mine the other day. We were
discussing how hard it is to take those first few steps outside as a crossdresser.
The circumstances of these first few steps are always daunting. Regardless of whether these are taken in the confines of a drag club or stepping out into an unfamiliar environment they are likely to be a few steps that are never forgotten. But is there any way we can make it easier? And should we?
I was recently asked this question by one of my members. So many of us just adore putting on a negligee and yet lead quite masculine lives.
It’s not unusual at all for my members to indulge their love of crossdressing in a quiet and appropriate way, while still maintaining a leadership role in society generally. One of my members, a pilot with a national airline, told me just the other day, that they feel the fun of crossdressing and the freedom of allowing that more sensitive feminine way of thinking, has greatly added to their ability to manage the tough decisions of leadership.
Many of my crossdressing friends tell me that they feel confused and often afraid about continuing to crossdress within their marriage. In many cases they feel uncomfortable about where it may lead and guilty about these desires.
There’s a struggle that takes place trying to justify the idea of dressing, and the guilt of doing so and hiding the fact. On the one hand there’s a desire to be open and honest with a spouse, on the other the fear of misunderstanding, or even the thought that simply crossdressing may lead to infidelity. Well, before we go much further let’s dispel a few myths.
You might wonder what all this says about you when you are not dressed. The answer is simple – not much. The process of dressing, for many of us, is a release, much the same as doing anything where you can let go and relax. You let go of stress, or worry and of the things you’d like to escape for a little. Nothing more.
As you start talking more freely with your partner about the changed that you’re experiencing, there’s going to come a moment when you decide to move the conversation from talk to action. The best way to do this is to have a goal in mind that your partner is invested in.
When it comes to broaching the subject of how you are changing, the way we speak about our shifts is every bit as important as what we say. It’s important to address this calmly and in a well-chosen moment.
Gradually introducing your partner to the gurl who is inside you is a process best handled in a slow and sensitive manner. Many partners will recoil from this if it’s not handled in a very precise way.